I've had lots of people telling me that I need to take care of myself. I do understand that. I'm taking lots of supplements to keep my immune system in top notch form. However, my life was crazy before my mom got sick. Adding in trips up north and the stress that has come with this hasn't done a whole lot for my well being.
So, when I have a rare day like today, I take full advantage. We had no plans today and so we did just that. Nothing. Well...nothing in Mom format...it's not exactly "nothing". ;-) But we just hung around the house and took it easy.
Of course I was also trying to get an answer from the cancer center about the possibility of getting more fluid out of mom's stomach. I still don't have an answer on that one. I'm not good at waiting...
I did talk to mom today and she says she does feel better, so I'm certainly glad to hear that. I just want to have a plan for when her stomach starts to really bother her again.
It was a quiet day overall. And probably a well needed one. The next several days are going to be busy, so I'm glad I had a day to just do nothing. I'm not good at doing nothing, but I'm learning and my body is making it clear that when I find "nothing" to be part of my schedule, then I need to take full advantage of it. Today I did.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Day 19: The Hospital Again
Today I headed up to Everett again to be with mom while she got her stomach drained.
I will say this for Everett/Providence Hospital. They are timely. Every time I've been there with mom, they get her right in at her appointment time. Today was simply an outpatient procedure in Radiology. However, I don't think it went exactly as any of us had hoped.
I went back with mom while my boys stayed out with my dad. We got back into the room and the ultrasound tech asked mom a couple of questions. Then the radiologist came in to do the procedure and I mentioned the fact that when mom had her stomach drained in the hospital 3 weeks ago, her blood pressure really dropped. The ultrasound tech and the Radiologist both stopped and looked at each other and said they'd be right back.
They apparently went and pulled my mom's file (why hadn't they done this sooner?!) and then the ultrasound tech came in and said that the Radiologist was calling mom's Oncologist. The tech said that in mom's file, they could see that mom's blood pressure dropped to "dangerous" levels when they drew the fluid last time.
No one had taken mom's blood pressure. There wasn't even a cuff in the room and that's why I asked the question. I am convinced that the reason mom had to be in the hospital for as long as she did was because her blood pressure was so low and I didn't want that to happen again.
Finally, after about 1/2 hour, the Radiologist came back and said that the on-call Oncologist (mom's Oncologist is gone this week), said to only remove a liter and a 1/2 of fluid. This isn't nearly as much as we'd hoped. The Radiologist had 5 one-liter bottles ready initially. Mom was disappointed and I felt terrible. But I didn't want mom ending up admitted again. I didn't want to see crash carts. And the tech and the Radiologist both reiterated that they didn't want mom's pressure to drop.
They did bring in a portable blood pressure cuff. Mom's initial reading was 116/67. They said it was constantly running, but that number never changed the entire time...so I'm not sure what was up with that...
But the one and a half liters were removed pretty quickly. Mom said she felt some relief, but I don't think it was near enough. The Radiologist then informed us that there is a procedure that can be done where some fluid is inserted to keep the blood pressure stable and then they can remove more of the nasty fluid that is causing mom's bloating and pain. So, I called the cancer center to talk to them about this. I'm expecting a call back in the morning. If mom does go back for that procedure, she is admitted and it takes a few hours, but it shouldn't be an overnight sort of thing.
So, although I think today was somewhat successful, it was maybe not as successful as we hoped. I'll see what the nurse says in the morning and we'll take it from there.
I'm getting to know my way around that hospital. The staff has been very helpful and nice. I just don't understand why in the 21st century things can't be a little more in sync. But that's why I intend to be there every time she goes to the hospital. I'll be her mobile medical file. ;-)
It's time for bed. I had to work tonight too. Came home, dropped off the boys, ran back to work, just getting home. I'm not sleeping well, but "some" sleep is necessary, so it's time to get the boys to bed (they were SO good today) and see if I can rest my bones a little too.
And we'll see what tomorrow holds...
I will say this for Everett/Providence Hospital. They are timely. Every time I've been there with mom, they get her right in at her appointment time. Today was simply an outpatient procedure in Radiology. However, I don't think it went exactly as any of us had hoped.
I went back with mom while my boys stayed out with my dad. We got back into the room and the ultrasound tech asked mom a couple of questions. Then the radiologist came in to do the procedure and I mentioned the fact that when mom had her stomach drained in the hospital 3 weeks ago, her blood pressure really dropped. The ultrasound tech and the Radiologist both stopped and looked at each other and said they'd be right back.
They apparently went and pulled my mom's file (why hadn't they done this sooner?!) and then the ultrasound tech came in and said that the Radiologist was calling mom's Oncologist. The tech said that in mom's file, they could see that mom's blood pressure dropped to "dangerous" levels when they drew the fluid last time.
No one had taken mom's blood pressure. There wasn't even a cuff in the room and that's why I asked the question. I am convinced that the reason mom had to be in the hospital for as long as she did was because her blood pressure was so low and I didn't want that to happen again.
Finally, after about 1/2 hour, the Radiologist came back and said that the on-call Oncologist (mom's Oncologist is gone this week), said to only remove a liter and a 1/2 of fluid. This isn't nearly as much as we'd hoped. The Radiologist had 5 one-liter bottles ready initially. Mom was disappointed and I felt terrible. But I didn't want mom ending up admitted again. I didn't want to see crash carts. And the tech and the Radiologist both reiterated that they didn't want mom's pressure to drop.
They did bring in a portable blood pressure cuff. Mom's initial reading was 116/67. They said it was constantly running, but that number never changed the entire time...so I'm not sure what was up with that...
But the one and a half liters were removed pretty quickly. Mom said she felt some relief, but I don't think it was near enough. The Radiologist then informed us that there is a procedure that can be done where some fluid is inserted to keep the blood pressure stable and then they can remove more of the nasty fluid that is causing mom's bloating and pain. So, I called the cancer center to talk to them about this. I'm expecting a call back in the morning. If mom does go back for that procedure, she is admitted and it takes a few hours, but it shouldn't be an overnight sort of thing.
So, although I think today was somewhat successful, it was maybe not as successful as we hoped. I'll see what the nurse says in the morning and we'll take it from there.
I'm getting to know my way around that hospital. The staff has been very helpful and nice. I just don't understand why in the 21st century things can't be a little more in sync. But that's why I intend to be there every time she goes to the hospital. I'll be her mobile medical file. ;-)
It's time for bed. I had to work tonight too. Came home, dropped off the boys, ran back to work, just getting home. I'm not sleeping well, but "some" sleep is necessary, so it's time to get the boys to bed (they were SO good today) and see if I can rest my bones a little too.
And we'll see what tomorrow holds...
Monday, April 6, 2009
Day 18: How fast things can change...
I called Dad around 3:30pm today for my daily check in. I asked him how things were going and he said, "Not very well". I asked him what was going on and he told me that mom's stomach is really starting to hurt and that she said she just wanted to die.
I wasn't ready for that.
Dad told me he had a call into the cancer center to see if they could get mom some pain medication or go ahead and drain her abdomen. Mom has been sleeping all day. This doesn't sound like living. I could hear the sadness and concern in my dad's voice. He has so much on his shoulders.
I told him I'd call him back tonight to find out the latest.
About 1/2 hour ago, mom called me to tell me that she's getting her abdomen drained tomorrow at 1:45pm. She sounded relieved. I told her I was so happy dad called the cancer center and she said, "Your dad did good".
I told her I was going to come up for the procedure. My "pre-cancer mom" would have argued with me and told me she was fine. My mom with cancer said, "If you can do that, it would be great". So, I'm going. I'm probably going to take the boys. I don't think I can find childcare on such a short notice. We'll just make it work. I have to be there. Period.
So, back up North tomorrow. I'm hoping this will be a good thing and that mom will be feeling better.
Everything seems to change so fast these days. Up and down. Good and bad. It's hard to stay in one place. But I guess we don't really want to stay right here anyway do we? Something has to change.
I just want it to change for the better...
I wasn't ready for that.
Dad told me he had a call into the cancer center to see if they could get mom some pain medication or go ahead and drain her abdomen. Mom has been sleeping all day. This doesn't sound like living. I could hear the sadness and concern in my dad's voice. He has so much on his shoulders.
I told him I'd call him back tonight to find out the latest.
About 1/2 hour ago, mom called me to tell me that she's getting her abdomen drained tomorrow at 1:45pm. She sounded relieved. I told her I was so happy dad called the cancer center and she said, "Your dad did good".
I told her I was going to come up for the procedure. My "pre-cancer mom" would have argued with me and told me she was fine. My mom with cancer said, "If you can do that, it would be great". So, I'm going. I'm probably going to take the boys. I don't think I can find childcare on such a short notice. We'll just make it work. I have to be there. Period.
So, back up North tomorrow. I'm hoping this will be a good thing and that mom will be feeling better.
Everything seems to change so fast these days. Up and down. Good and bad. It's hard to stay in one place. But I guess we don't really want to stay right here anyway do we? Something has to change.
I just want it to change for the better...
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Day 17 - Continued Ups and Downs
Wow...it's weird to think it's been 17 days. Days don't seem the same as they used to.
Today was a tough day. I talked to dad this morning. Mom was sleeping. He said she got her medications all mixed up, so he's got them all organized for her now. He's working so hard. I wish I was closer and could just stop in every day. I hate that I can't.
Mom is exhausted. I'm worried. And today I spent some time doing cancer research which has become incredibly frustrating because mom has no actual diagnosis. I just feel like I need answers...and maybe there aren't any. And that's hard to take.
I'm feeling overwhelmed at times. Very overwhelmed at times. I had a meltdown today. And then a cleaning fit afterwards. It's the lack of control of all of this. It's the fear of the unknown. I know all of that. But it doesn't make it easier.
Another week starts tomorrow. It's supposed to be another beautiful day around here and I'm going to take the boys into town to get out of the house. We're possibly planning a trip up to see mom on Wednesday. I'm continuing to try and take it one day at a time. Some days are harder than others to do that. Today was one of the hard days.
Today was a tough day. I talked to dad this morning. Mom was sleeping. He said she got her medications all mixed up, so he's got them all organized for her now. He's working so hard. I wish I was closer and could just stop in every day. I hate that I can't.
Mom is exhausted. I'm worried. And today I spent some time doing cancer research which has become incredibly frustrating because mom has no actual diagnosis. I just feel like I need answers...and maybe there aren't any. And that's hard to take.
I'm feeling overwhelmed at times. Very overwhelmed at times. I had a meltdown today. And then a cleaning fit afterwards. It's the lack of control of all of this. It's the fear of the unknown. I know all of that. But it doesn't make it easier.
Another week starts tomorrow. It's supposed to be another beautiful day around here and I'm going to take the boys into town to get out of the house. We're possibly planning a trip up to see mom on Wednesday. I'm continuing to try and take it one day at a time. Some days are harder than others to do that. Today was one of the hard days.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Day 16 - Sun, Hope & A 7 Year Old
The last couple of weeks have been hard on me. I would say on an average day that I am a pretty darn good mom. I think I've continued to be a darn good mom these past two weeks, but both my boys are very intuitive and they know a lot is on my mind. And although I am still very present in their every day lives, there is definitely a part of my brain that is always somewhere else.
I called mom today and she told me that she's doing pretty well. No nausea as of yet. Her stomach bloating is just really starting to bother her. But otherwise, no adverse reaction to the chemo.
So, today, I took advantage of a beautiful (finally!) Spring day and took Christopher (my 7yo) out for a Mommy/Christopher afternoon. It was much needed for both of us. Christopher is my meat lover and I'd been promising him a trip to a local burger joint for quite a while. So, today we made it there and he loved it (and I had a very nice gardenburger :-)). We then took the Tacoma streetcar into downtown and went to our favorite popcorn/candy store. He got to stock up on some of his favorites and then we rode the streetcar back. We were only out for about 3 hours, but it was well needed time for us. Jonathan (my 10yo) and I will do something similar soon, but Christopher REALLY needed this mom time. And honestly, I really needed some time to focus my energy somewhere else.
I got to see the world through my 7 year old today. And I love that world. There is so much wonder and interest. So many questions. So many revelations. All that in just a day of life. There is joy in coloring a picture and getting to put it up on the wall in the burger joint for all to see. In that 7 year old world, there is no cancer. Well, okay...maybe in this 7 year old's life, there is cancer, but it's different for a 7 year old. It's different than the cancer that is in my thoughts 24/7. And for a few hours, I got to live in that world. I had the opportunity to stop being angry for a while and see the good in the world and in other people. I felt part of the world again today. I felt like I had emerged from the little cocoon I had been keeping myself in for the past 2 weeks. And it felt good.
I hope to somehow hold on to what I was reminded of today as I continue to walk this path through cancer with my mom.
Today my sweet little boy gave me quite a gift. He doesn't even know it. But today he gave me smiles and joy and happiness and the gift of seeing the world through 7 year old eyes. And it was beautiful and exciting and full of hope. Now I just need to remember how to see through 7 year old eyes as often as I can. It's a wonderful view of the world. :-)
I called mom today and she told me that she's doing pretty well. No nausea as of yet. Her stomach bloating is just really starting to bother her. But otherwise, no adverse reaction to the chemo.
So, today, I took advantage of a beautiful (finally!) Spring day and took Christopher (my 7yo) out for a Mommy/Christopher afternoon. It was much needed for both of us. Christopher is my meat lover and I'd been promising him a trip to a local burger joint for quite a while. So, today we made it there and he loved it (and I had a very nice gardenburger :-)). We then took the Tacoma streetcar into downtown and went to our favorite popcorn/candy store. He got to stock up on some of his favorites and then we rode the streetcar back. We were only out for about 3 hours, but it was well needed time for us. Jonathan (my 10yo) and I will do something similar soon, but Christopher REALLY needed this mom time. And honestly, I really needed some time to focus my energy somewhere else.
I got to see the world through my 7 year old today. And I love that world. There is so much wonder and interest. So many questions. So many revelations. All that in just a day of life. There is joy in coloring a picture and getting to put it up on the wall in the burger joint for all to see. In that 7 year old world, there is no cancer. Well, okay...maybe in this 7 year old's life, there is cancer, but it's different for a 7 year old. It's different than the cancer that is in my thoughts 24/7. And for a few hours, I got to live in that world. I had the opportunity to stop being angry for a while and see the good in the world and in other people. I felt part of the world again today. I felt like I had emerged from the little cocoon I had been keeping myself in for the past 2 weeks. And it felt good.
I hope to somehow hold on to what I was reminded of today as I continue to walk this path through cancer with my mom.
Today my sweet little boy gave me quite a gift. He doesn't even know it. But today he gave me smiles and joy and happiness and the gift of seeing the world through 7 year old eyes. And it was beautiful and exciting and full of hope. Now I just need to remember how to see through 7 year old eyes as often as I can. It's a wonderful view of the world. :-)
Friday, April 3, 2009
Day 14 & 15 - Chemo
Yesterday was a busy day, which was probably a good thing. It keep my mind off how today was going to go. I started a new childbirth class. I felt a bit off my game. Thankfully I've been doing this for enough years that I can fly on auto pilot. A couple of people who have heard me teach before were at the Birth Center and told me that I sounded just like my old self. So, maybe it's just me being kind of hard on myself.
Anyway...I got home late...was tired and knew I had an early day today, so just didn't get around to blogging.
But today was important and definitely needs some decompressing.
My mom started chemo today.
That feels weird to say.
It seemed almost surreal as we were going through it. It wasn't really what I envisioned. The Everett Cancer Center is really quite beautiful and it wasn't a line up of people receiving chemo like I'd pictured. Mom, dad and I had a little area all to ourselves.
I had called last night to find out how long the chemo process might take. I was told 6 hours. That shocked me. For some reason I was picturing just a couple of hours. So, I was fully prepared for a long day today.
I was up at 4:30am. I got the boys up at 5:45am. They hopped right out of bed. We headed out around 6:15am, I stopped at Starbucks, then arrived at Julie's around 6:35am. I have to say a public THANK YOU to Julie again. I love you Julie! You have been a life saver this week! :-) I was back on the road at 6:45am only to hear of snow in Everett on the radio! But after a little rain/snow mix south of Seattle, the rest of my drive was clear. I could see the snow on the trees as I came into Everett, but that was about it. I arrived at the cancer center at 8:20am. Mom and dad arrived around 8:35am. And we began our trek into chemo...
Mom checked in at the desk and right at 8:45am, they called her back to meet with the nurse. She accessed mom's port and drew some blood. That was an interesting process to see done for the first time. Then we met with mom's doctor who is one straight-forward man. He was very concerned about mom's stomach. It is very large again, filling with fluid. She has gained 9 pounds since Tuesday! However, he wanted to avoid draining it if at all possible because apparently the cells regenerate faster if the fluid is drained. So, the hope is that the chemo will help reduce it.
The doctor also pulled up the scan of mom's abdomen. He showed us another mass that was found. He's perplexed by it and isn't quite sure what it is. It seems to be near or around her bowels. He said that he may want do a needle biopsy of it, but didn't want to do it today. Mom's ankles are swelling too and he took a look at that. He did confirm that no cancer was found on the MRI of mom's brain. I asked him if we would ever know what kind of cancer we were looking at here and he shook his head and said No. He said that in about 5% of cancer cases, there is no diagnosis. That is incredibly frustrating for me (and I'm sure mom and dad too).
We talked to the doctor about mom's diabetic episodes. He told her that the steroids he was going to be giving her will actually spike her blood sugar, which might be a good thing for her right now, but wants her to check in with her primary care doctor again to discuss this. Mom and dad did see mom's primary care doctor yesterday, but it looks like they'll need to make another appointment. He also changed one of her blood pressure medications and her chemo schedule from 3 weeks on, 1 week off to 2 weeks on, 1 week off. I believe he's a little concerned about how mom's body is going to handle the chemo, so wants to start off with a little less chemo before giving her some time off.
He then sent us back over for the chemo to begin. Mom got her pre-meds and then at 10:25am, the chemo began. Mom's nurse, Kim, said that the Taxol would take about 2 1/2 hours and then her 2nd medication (which I can't spell) would take about 45 minutes. One of mom's pre-meds was some Benadryl which made her pretty sleepy. Mom's doctor came over and checked in to give mom the results of her blood work. Apparently she is anemic and the biggee is that her kidneys are only working at about 25%. This is a concern. It will be monitored each week. That was a little more bad news for mom, but I think the sleepiness was good at this point.
After about an hour of mom getting medication, dad and I decided to let mom sleep and we went down to the little cafe downstairs and got lunch and chatted for a while. Dad educated the young girl (Is it sad that I think 19 is a young girl? ;-) behind the counter about Catholics and Lent and how not eating meat on Friday came to be. I think she got more than she bargained for when she asked him why he said he couldn't eat meat today. :-)
It's been nice to have a little time with just me and dad. We talked a little about mom and what it was like when she got her diagnosis. We talked a bit about how much things have changed since his diagnosis of Parkinson's and how much better he is doing.
Throughout this entire process, I was texting back and forth with one of my colleagues about a client who was going through a difficult time of her own. I felt kind of pulled in 2 different directions, but my priority today was my mom. I handled my client on the way home and this evening. Having a job where I take care of people is a little difficult when I'm trying to take care of my mom. It's a balancing act that I still am learning I suppose. I do have to say a big Thank You to my Aunt Linda who sent me a very sweet e-mail. I checked my e-mail from my phone and read it while I was sitting with dad at lunch. She was wishing me well today and sent me a note to put on my fridge to read when I think I "have to be all and do all" (who me???? ;-)). It says "Dear Kelli, I won't need your help today. Love, God" I cried when I read it on my phone. I teared up when I read it to my dad. I am crying as I type it here. There couldn't really be a more perfect message for me. It will go on my fridge Aunt Linda. And I will read it often. Thank you! You know me too well. :-)
After dad and I finished lunch...and dad finished talking with Michael who called to check in...we headed back upstairs. Mom was already on her 2nd medication and that ran very quickly and by 12:30pm she was done. The entire thing took just a little over 2 hours. Dad went down to make next week's appointment and mom's nurse flushed out her port, gave us discharge information and we were out the door by 12:45pm.
It still seems kind of surreal that it all happened today. I expected it to be more momentous, but it was pretty simple and seemed somewhat routine...even though it wasn't really routine for us yet.
So, now we wait to see how mom's body reacts to the chemo. She is to take one of her anti-nausea pills before bed tonight and then 3 a day for Saturday and Sunday. If, after that, she isn't nauseous, she doesn't need to take anymore. That's what I'm hoping for!
Next Friday, Michael is going to pick mom up and take her to her chemo while dad has an opportunity to go to his Kiwanis meeting and have a little break. He's working so hard taking care of mom, he needs some downtime too. I did find out from him today that he's had a little bit of time at the casino (and actually won some money!). I'm glad he's getting a little time away to just relax. He deserves that! He's kept everything together so well for mom. He's her memory right now. Hers is really bad. I did ask the doctor about that as well and he said that "it's normal for someone this sick". Ouch. But at least it was an answer. Anyway...dad is mom's memory. He is checking her blood sugar for her. He's driving her to and from all her appointments. He brings his file folder full of all her important information. He is filling her prescriptions for her. I am so impressed with him. But I want to make sure he's being taken care of as well.
So, round one of chemo is done.
This is a step one towards mom getting better. This is the start of our hope being fulfilled. The same hope I saw in so many other eyes today at the cancer center. I have had a couple of people tell me they can see some of my pain in my eyes when they look at me. That's what I saw when I looked at the people who were sitting with family members getting chemo today. And for the first time, I saw it in my own eyes when I looked in the mirror in the bathroom. I feel I've joined a club I didn't ask to join. A club I don't really want to be a part of. The membership dues are much too high for me. But yet, here I am. A card carrying number. (The parking permit for the cancer center sits in my car telling the world of my membership in this club.)
My mom started chemo today.
And the world is still turning.
Hope is alive and kicking.
Today my mom started to fight.
It is the fight of, and for, her life.
Come on chemo...do your job! Mom is fighting. Fight with her. We're all counting on, and rooting and praying for you and Mom to win!
Anyway...I got home late...was tired and knew I had an early day today, so just didn't get around to blogging.
But today was important and definitely needs some decompressing.
My mom started chemo today.
That feels weird to say.
It seemed almost surreal as we were going through it. It wasn't really what I envisioned. The Everett Cancer Center is really quite beautiful and it wasn't a line up of people receiving chemo like I'd pictured. Mom, dad and I had a little area all to ourselves.
I had called last night to find out how long the chemo process might take. I was told 6 hours. That shocked me. For some reason I was picturing just a couple of hours. So, I was fully prepared for a long day today.
I was up at 4:30am. I got the boys up at 5:45am. They hopped right out of bed. We headed out around 6:15am, I stopped at Starbucks, then arrived at Julie's around 6:35am. I have to say a public THANK YOU to Julie again. I love you Julie! You have been a life saver this week! :-) I was back on the road at 6:45am only to hear of snow in Everett on the radio! But after a little rain/snow mix south of Seattle, the rest of my drive was clear. I could see the snow on the trees as I came into Everett, but that was about it. I arrived at the cancer center at 8:20am. Mom and dad arrived around 8:35am. And we began our trek into chemo...
Mom checked in at the desk and right at 8:45am, they called her back to meet with the nurse. She accessed mom's port and drew some blood. That was an interesting process to see done for the first time. Then we met with mom's doctor who is one straight-forward man. He was very concerned about mom's stomach. It is very large again, filling with fluid. She has gained 9 pounds since Tuesday! However, he wanted to avoid draining it if at all possible because apparently the cells regenerate faster if the fluid is drained. So, the hope is that the chemo will help reduce it.
The doctor also pulled up the scan of mom's abdomen. He showed us another mass that was found. He's perplexed by it and isn't quite sure what it is. It seems to be near or around her bowels. He said that he may want do a needle biopsy of it, but didn't want to do it today. Mom's ankles are swelling too and he took a look at that. He did confirm that no cancer was found on the MRI of mom's brain. I asked him if we would ever know what kind of cancer we were looking at here and he shook his head and said No. He said that in about 5% of cancer cases, there is no diagnosis. That is incredibly frustrating for me (and I'm sure mom and dad too).
We talked to the doctor about mom's diabetic episodes. He told her that the steroids he was going to be giving her will actually spike her blood sugar, which might be a good thing for her right now, but wants her to check in with her primary care doctor again to discuss this. Mom and dad did see mom's primary care doctor yesterday, but it looks like they'll need to make another appointment. He also changed one of her blood pressure medications and her chemo schedule from 3 weeks on, 1 week off to 2 weeks on, 1 week off. I believe he's a little concerned about how mom's body is going to handle the chemo, so wants to start off with a little less chemo before giving her some time off.
He then sent us back over for the chemo to begin. Mom got her pre-meds and then at 10:25am, the chemo began. Mom's nurse, Kim, said that the Taxol would take about 2 1/2 hours and then her 2nd medication (which I can't spell) would take about 45 minutes. One of mom's pre-meds was some Benadryl which made her pretty sleepy. Mom's doctor came over and checked in to give mom the results of her blood work. Apparently she is anemic and the biggee is that her kidneys are only working at about 25%. This is a concern. It will be monitored each week. That was a little more bad news for mom, but I think the sleepiness was good at this point.
After about an hour of mom getting medication, dad and I decided to let mom sleep and we went down to the little cafe downstairs and got lunch and chatted for a while. Dad educated the young girl (Is it sad that I think 19 is a young girl? ;-) behind the counter about Catholics and Lent and how not eating meat on Friday came to be. I think she got more than she bargained for when she asked him why he said he couldn't eat meat today. :-)
It's been nice to have a little time with just me and dad. We talked a little about mom and what it was like when she got her diagnosis. We talked a bit about how much things have changed since his diagnosis of Parkinson's and how much better he is doing.
Throughout this entire process, I was texting back and forth with one of my colleagues about a client who was going through a difficult time of her own. I felt kind of pulled in 2 different directions, but my priority today was my mom. I handled my client on the way home and this evening. Having a job where I take care of people is a little difficult when I'm trying to take care of my mom. It's a balancing act that I still am learning I suppose. I do have to say a big Thank You to my Aunt Linda who sent me a very sweet e-mail. I checked my e-mail from my phone and read it while I was sitting with dad at lunch. She was wishing me well today and sent me a note to put on my fridge to read when I think I "have to be all and do all" (who me???? ;-)). It says "Dear Kelli, I won't need your help today. Love, God" I cried when I read it on my phone. I teared up when I read it to my dad. I am crying as I type it here. There couldn't really be a more perfect message for me. It will go on my fridge Aunt Linda. And I will read it often. Thank you! You know me too well. :-)
After dad and I finished lunch...and dad finished talking with Michael who called to check in...we headed back upstairs. Mom was already on her 2nd medication and that ran very quickly and by 12:30pm she was done. The entire thing took just a little over 2 hours. Dad went down to make next week's appointment and mom's nurse flushed out her port, gave us discharge information and we were out the door by 12:45pm.
It still seems kind of surreal that it all happened today. I expected it to be more momentous, but it was pretty simple and seemed somewhat routine...even though it wasn't really routine for us yet.
So, now we wait to see how mom's body reacts to the chemo. She is to take one of her anti-nausea pills before bed tonight and then 3 a day for Saturday and Sunday. If, after that, she isn't nauseous, she doesn't need to take anymore. That's what I'm hoping for!
Next Friday, Michael is going to pick mom up and take her to her chemo while dad has an opportunity to go to his Kiwanis meeting and have a little break. He's working so hard taking care of mom, he needs some downtime too. I did find out from him today that he's had a little bit of time at the casino (and actually won some money!). I'm glad he's getting a little time away to just relax. He deserves that! He's kept everything together so well for mom. He's her memory right now. Hers is really bad. I did ask the doctor about that as well and he said that "it's normal for someone this sick". Ouch. But at least it was an answer. Anyway...dad is mom's memory. He is checking her blood sugar for her. He's driving her to and from all her appointments. He brings his file folder full of all her important information. He is filling her prescriptions for her. I am so impressed with him. But I want to make sure he's being taken care of as well.
So, round one of chemo is done.
This is a step one towards mom getting better. This is the start of our hope being fulfilled. The same hope I saw in so many other eyes today at the cancer center. I have had a couple of people tell me they can see some of my pain in my eyes when they look at me. That's what I saw when I looked at the people who were sitting with family members getting chemo today. And for the first time, I saw it in my own eyes when I looked in the mirror in the bathroom. I feel I've joined a club I didn't ask to join. A club I don't really want to be a part of. The membership dues are much too high for me. But yet, here I am. A card carrying number. (The parking permit for the cancer center sits in my car telling the world of my membership in this club.)
My mom started chemo today.
And the world is still turning.
Hope is alive and kicking.
Today my mom started to fight.
It is the fight of, and for, her life.
Come on chemo...do your job! Mom is fighting. Fight with her. We're all counting on, and rooting and praying for you and Mom to win!
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Day 13: Self Care
Let's start with some good news...mom's MRI came back with no signs of brain cancer. Boy, we needed some good news! Not sure why she is experiencing some of the memory loss, but grateful it is not because cancer has invaded her brain!
Mom and dad learned this information because they made a trip to the cancer center today. Mom has been breaking out in a rash and is itching like crazy. They went in to make sure it wasn't related to the port. Apparently it is not. The staff suggested Benadryl and that seems to be working. While mom and dad were at the cancer center, the staff sort of whispered to them the news about the MRI. I guess the doctor is really supposed to relate that information, but the staff felt like mom and dad needed some good news. They were right!
Tomorrow mom and dad will meet with their primary care doctor to discuss the blood sugar issues. Hopefully some resolution will come from that.
Then there's me today...I'm really starting to feel the affects of the past couple of weeks. I have always carried my stress in my shoulders and they have really been giving me trouble the past couple of days. And I just have found myself not being able to deal with any little stresses...not to mention the bigger stresses. I'm trying to figure out the whole childcare issue so I can be sure to be around for mom. I've got a client that is having some issues of her own and I need to be there for her as well. Other family stuff. Job stuff. Just the basics...but the basics seem so much bigger right now.
I am VERY good at taking care of other people. I am TERRIBLE at taking care of myself. But today was my one day to try to get in just a little self care. I had a Chiropractic appt this morning and got quite an adjustment. And then I had an appt with my ND this afternoon and got myself some good supplements to help my nervous and immune systems and my adrenals to try and keep me on an even keel. I have always been someone that carries my own stress plus everyone else's, so this has always been an issue for me. But I'm smart enough to know that I really need to get on top of this right now so I can be at my best to take care of mom and dad and my kids and my clients.
So, I do feel better tonight than I did this morning. Even though life just seems to keep throwing stuff my way. I just have to believe things are going to work out. It's all I've really got right now. Of course, I say all that through tears. :-O
And I worry about those closest to me as well. I worry about burdening them constantly with my emotions. I try to hold it together for the kids. But I'm starting to think I need to find a support group or a group of people that really understand what I'm going through right now so that I can let it out there because holding it all in isn't really healthy. I worry about over burdening my friends a lot. They're jumping through hoops for me and I have never been good at asking for, or accepting, help so this is all new to me. But how much can people really take? How much help can people really provide? How much is too much? It's a question I wonder every day and every time I ask for even more help.
And I'm trying to figure out how to wade my way through all of this. I actually spent some time considering how I could move closer to my parents, knowing right now, it's just not possible. I feel like I just need to be with them all the time. But I have to keep remembering that I'm doing the best I can I guess. I'm trying. Trying to figure out what I'm supposed to learn from all this. Trying to figure out the lessons. Trying to be a good mother, a good daughter, a good partner, a good friend, a good childbirth educator and doula, a good woman...and wondering how I keep up all of those roles without failing someone.
So, I feel weighted down by a lot of stuff. And I don't want to weigh down those around me. It's an interesting conundrum. This is a role I'm not accustomed to. And one I'm apparently not very good at yet.
Lots of self reflection today I guess. A little self care. I suppose that's necessary every now and then to help me keep taking these steps forward in this journey.
Mom and dad learned this information because they made a trip to the cancer center today. Mom has been breaking out in a rash and is itching like crazy. They went in to make sure it wasn't related to the port. Apparently it is not. The staff suggested Benadryl and that seems to be working. While mom and dad were at the cancer center, the staff sort of whispered to them the news about the MRI. I guess the doctor is really supposed to relate that information, but the staff felt like mom and dad needed some good news. They were right!
Tomorrow mom and dad will meet with their primary care doctor to discuss the blood sugar issues. Hopefully some resolution will come from that.
Then there's me today...I'm really starting to feel the affects of the past couple of weeks. I have always carried my stress in my shoulders and they have really been giving me trouble the past couple of days. And I just have found myself not being able to deal with any little stresses...not to mention the bigger stresses. I'm trying to figure out the whole childcare issue so I can be sure to be around for mom. I've got a client that is having some issues of her own and I need to be there for her as well. Other family stuff. Job stuff. Just the basics...but the basics seem so much bigger right now.
I am VERY good at taking care of other people. I am TERRIBLE at taking care of myself. But today was my one day to try to get in just a little self care. I had a Chiropractic appt this morning and got quite an adjustment. And then I had an appt with my ND this afternoon and got myself some good supplements to help my nervous and immune systems and my adrenals to try and keep me on an even keel. I have always been someone that carries my own stress plus everyone else's, so this has always been an issue for me. But I'm smart enough to know that I really need to get on top of this right now so I can be at my best to take care of mom and dad and my kids and my clients.
So, I do feel better tonight than I did this morning. Even though life just seems to keep throwing stuff my way. I just have to believe things are going to work out. It's all I've really got right now. Of course, I say all that through tears. :-O
And I worry about those closest to me as well. I worry about burdening them constantly with my emotions. I try to hold it together for the kids. But I'm starting to think I need to find a support group or a group of people that really understand what I'm going through right now so that I can let it out there because holding it all in isn't really healthy. I worry about over burdening my friends a lot. They're jumping through hoops for me and I have never been good at asking for, or accepting, help so this is all new to me. But how much can people really take? How much help can people really provide? How much is too much? It's a question I wonder every day and every time I ask for even more help.
And I'm trying to figure out how to wade my way through all of this. I actually spent some time considering how I could move closer to my parents, knowing right now, it's just not possible. I feel like I just need to be with them all the time. But I have to keep remembering that I'm doing the best I can I guess. I'm trying. Trying to figure out what I'm supposed to learn from all this. Trying to figure out the lessons. Trying to be a good mother, a good daughter, a good partner, a good friend, a good childbirth educator and doula, a good woman...and wondering how I keep up all of those roles without failing someone.
So, I feel weighted down by a lot of stuff. And I don't want to weigh down those around me. It's an interesting conundrum. This is a role I'm not accustomed to. And one I'm apparently not very good at yet.
Lots of self reflection today I guess. A little self care. I suppose that's necessary every now and then to help me keep taking these steps forward in this journey.
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