March

So, here it is...March 1st. I'm thrilled that winter is nearing an end and before this month is over, it will officially be Spring.

However, with March comes an "anniversary" that I have been dreading. I know that my birthday and Mother's Day are going to be extra difficult this year...but March 19th is coming up even faster and it's a day that I've been pretending holds no meaning, but instead, as it approaches, I have to acknowledge how much meaning it actually does hold for me.

On March 19th last year, I was at the birth center preparing to teach the last night of a 5 week childbirth class series. My classes start at 6:30pm and just before 6:30, my phone rang and it was mom and dad's number. I was instantly a little concerned because mom and dad rarely ever called me. I did all the calling. So, I answered the phone and mom and dad were both there on speaker. Dad said, "Well, we have some good news and some bad news." I said, "Okay..." and dad went on to tell me about receiving a check from the Dept. of Revenue for money that I had found was due to them online. I said that was great and then asked about the bad news, to which my mom said, through tears..."Well, it's really bad..." and then she broke down and said dad was going to need to tell me. I knew this was definitely really bad and I made my way back to one of the birth rooms to be alone.

I don't know that I'll ever forget the moment that dad walked me through their week and mom being in the hospital for three days and having her stomach drained and the reality that it was likely cancer. I stood in that birth room with tears pouring down my face and trying to figure out how I was going to compose myself in order to teach my class. But somehow I did it. I taught my class and then sobbed the entire way home. I remember thinking that I had just been living my normal life and my mom had been lying in the hospital. I remember being angry that they didn't call and tell me. But I think I just needed to be angry at something right then.

The next day I waited and waited for mom and dad to call to give me an update as they were going to have another appointment to get the test results. I finally called them and it is another moment I'll never forget. It was definitely cancer. And it was bad. And when I asked for how long, dad said, "3 months without chemo, a year with..." There has never been another time in my 40 years when a few words have dropped me to the floor, but those did. I found myself on the floor in my kitchen sobbing from a place I had never been to before.

And the rest...well, you all know the rest...it's when I began this blog...coming up on a year ago. And as I turned over the calendar this morning, the reality of that "anniversary" really hit me and I'm having to accept that those couple of days will be hard this month.

The holidays were hard...but I think I was still numb. I knew that this Spring was going to hold some difficult days, but I was in denial they were to start this month.

March 19th (cancer diagnosis). April 30th (my birthday). May 9th (Mother's Day). June 6th (Mom's birthday).

Looks like one a month starting later this month.

I will survive as I always have. I guess I just need to prepare myself for them and not let them sneak up on me.

On a side note, 2 weeks ago, the boys and I went up to Arlington and I drove dad back down to the cemetery. It was the first time he had been there since November and the first time he had any time alone there with mom. I left him alone for a while so he could just be there with her. I think it was good for him. The cemetery has been my place of cleansing. It is where I can go and cry and just feel like I can talk directly to mom. I hope to be able to get up there and do this once a month for dad. It's a lot of driving, but I think it's important.

I have to admit, I'm feeling fairly overwhelmed these days with everything going on in my life right now, but I guess this is the 40s. Taking care of my children and my dad all the while trying to take care of myself in there somewhere too. I am finally focusing on my health a little again. The last 5 years have taken a toll on my body...the last year especially. I finally am trying to shed the protective cover I have been carrying around on me. I've lost 10 pounds and hope to be at my goal weight by August. It feels good to feel like I'm in control of that when everything else in my life seems so out of control. And I'm 1/4 of the way done on my way to my Bachelor's Degree. Just like that. This week I will complete my 3rd term out of 12. I'm on the Dean's List. Mom would be so damn proud. That I know. I know it's important to take care of ME too. But I have always done a very poor job of that. I'm trying to change that a little this year.

And so here is March. I am SO looking forward to longer days and blooming flowers. But I can't help remembering how much I was looking forward to all that last year as well. And how it seemed my world stopped rotating 2 days before Spring began. I realize that is not likely to happen again this year, but I have never forgotten how one simple phone call can change your world.

I am hoping to enjoy this Spring a little more. Last year as I was anticipating Spring, I didn't expect that I would look forward to future Spring seasons in order to have warmer trips to the cemetery and more time to spend there, but that is on my list this year. As I expect it will be for the rest of my life.

Last Spring my entire life was turned upside down. But I survived the upheaval. I'm waking and walking and surviving every day in my new world. And I will continue to do so.

Spring holds challenges for me this year, but hopefully none like last year. I can get through these challenges. After surviving last year, I know I can get through anything.