4 Months

So, today I sit at the birth center preparing for a long one-day childbirth class. I enjoy these classes. They are long and exhausting but I still love teaching them.

But today I wish I could be at the cemetery.

Today driving in all I could think about was 4 months ago. 4 months seems like an eternity in so many ways and in other ways it's been like the blink of an eye.

As I mentioned in my last post, something is changing in this journey of grief I am on. I feel more raw these days. I guess I feel as though the numbness is wearing off. Just when I thought I was doing pretty well, the grief lets me know I still have a long way to go. I still have much to feel and much to work through and it reminds me that it's only been 4 months.

I did 4 births in the past 4 weeks. I've been stuck close to home not wanting to be too far away when a client called. But I have a little time off now and hope to make it to the cemetery this week and hopefully up to see dad either this upcoming week or next. It's been too long. How I am looking forward to longer days. Entering grief as the days shortened and winter came upon us was hard. Spring always makes me feel more hopeful. I'm ready for the birds to sing. I'm ready for the flowers to bloom. Although I wonder if maybe Winter gave me time to hibernate a little and sit quietly with my grief and with Spring comes awakening. And with that awakening comes more reality, more understanding, more things to feel. There have certainly been many more tears. Many more "moments" of clarity.

This Spring I see the world differently. I remember driving up and down I-5 last year and thinking, "This may be the last Spring my mom sees". And I wanted to capture the images in my brain for her. And in some ways I did. I remember the snapshot moments when I wanted to remember a beautiful tree or a sunset or sunrise. I'll never forget the sunrise in the morning after spending all night long in the ER with mom when she was in the hospital in April.

This Thursday I begin a new childbirth class series. It was the one I was finishing on the night mom and dad called to tell me about mom's diagnosis. Last Spring I spent on the road. This Spring I will continue to be grieving. It's almost been a year since that phone call dropped me to my knees and changed everything.

And I'm still here. And Spring is coming again. And once again, it makes me feel hopeful. And yet, a little nervous at the same time.

I mentioned to my Aunt Judy that I feel like the only way I can survive this journey of grief is to fully surrender to it and believe in the process. It is not always easy to do so, but I'm trying.

Four months. The journey continues. The tears, the memories, the pain continues and changes from day to day. But there is happiness and smiles and laughter as well. I've said it many times, but the human spirit is amazing. How we keep going is incredible. And yet, we just do. And the world keeps turning and babies are born and good things happen. Four months ago, I didn't believe that was possible, but now I know it is. My world has gone on without my mom. It will never be the same and I miss her every single day...even more so today than 4 months ago. But today I will teach a childbirth class to 8 couples who will bring a new baby into their lives this Spring. And they remind me that just as I teach them that they will have to surrender to labor, I continue to need to surrender to my grief. Each new baby brings hope. I am blessed to be surrounded by so much new life and new hope and joy.

And if I can't make it to the cemetery today then there is no place I'd rather be than here at the birth center surrounded by families filled with joy, knowing no matter where I am, I am always carrying my mom with me in my heart.