Tasks of Grief

I don't really understand why, as I come up to the 5 month anniversary of my mom's death, that it seems to get harder rather than easier.

I feel like I cry every day now. I'm telling myself it's PMS...and it is certainly bigger when I'm in an emotional upheaval, but I know that I have cried at least once a day in the last two weeks. And not just cried...but sobbed...painfully...from deep down inside. I miss my mom terribly. Is it just reality setting in and I'm working through it? I don't know...but as I do when I need answers...I went searching on the web. :-O

And I found this...it talked about some tasks of grief...I've copied the first two because they are most relevant to me.

• Tell the story: Talk about what has happened until it becomes real. Talk to caring family and friends, attend a support group, begin individual work with a mental health professional, but find a way to speak about the person who died and how the death has impacted your life and family. Tell the story until you don't need to tell it anymore. Chances are, you will be close to acceptance at that point.

I know therapy would help. I KNOW this. I'm working towards being a therapist for pete's sake...I know therapy would help. But $$ wise, it's just not in the cards right now, so this blog has been my personal therapy. I do feel that I've told the story...although I admit, I refrain from telling it out loud much anymore because I feel like people are thinking, "Come on...it's been 5 months...move on". And I have moved forward...but it's "only" been 5 months.

• Express the Emotions: Grief is filled with conflicting tidal waves of emotion. Just when you think you've accepted the death, disbelief may sweep over you again. You may feel intense anger along with equally intense feelings of love and loss. Or, in the midst of crying about the person's death, a sense of unreality may surface again. No matter what the range of emotions, all are to be expected during grief. It is crucial to get the emotions outside of yourself. "Stuffed" feelings can build and build and become overwhelming. Scream, cry, write, draw, punch a punching bag, tell an empathetic someone, take a walk, do SOMETHING to express what you feel.

This is really what I feel. That just when I thought I had accepted things, "disbelief swept over me again". This is exactly how I feel right now.

Then the 7 stages of grief (which I once thought were only 5...who knew?)

7 Stages of Grief...

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

This, again, sounds just like where I am. I guess it's good to hear I may be normal (although some would argue that. ;-)). Just reading this stage makes me cry.

5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

But see, I felt like I was already here. I know people have said that you go through the stages, sometimes back and forth...perhaps that is what is happening. It's just frustrating to think I was on my upward turn and somehow slid backwards. Is it possible I tried to do it all too fast?

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

And I felt like I was doing this too...and I do still feel like this. I suppose you can be in more than one stage at the same time.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.

I think that's the thing that has surprised me..."the wrenching pain" that has resurfaced. I know I'm going to be sad. But I thought the wrenching pain was over. And it's not. It's back with a vengeance.

And yet, I'm still moving forward. I still feel strong. I still do my "stuff"...but the break downs in my car and alone in the bathroom have increased and have surprised me.

I guess in reading through all the above though, I'm not completely out of the ordinary.

The bottom line right now is that I hurt. I hurt for me. I hurt for my dad. I hurt for my brother. I hurt for my extended family. I hurt for all of us. The loss of my mom has been enormous in so many ways for so many of us.

And I just have to believe this resurface of pain and feelings of loss is normal in this journey through grief and mourning. It's surprising and unpleasant, but seemingly "normal" in a process that seems anything but "normal".