Day 365

At the end of today, a full year has gone by since the day I started this blog.

March 20th, 2009.

Spring was beginning. The days were longer. And my world was crumbling. I went back and read my first few blog posts. And I cried. They certainly took me back.

I am incredibly grateful for this little blog. It has been my therapy and it has held my voice and my pain. My entire year is held here. And I'm glad I have that.

I am not the same person I was when I started this blog 365 days ago. Yet my transformation is far from complete.

365 days ago, I didn't know what my year held or how I could possibly manage to live without my mom. But I survived the year and have managed to live without my mom for 5 months.

365 days ago my world changed and nothing has ever been the same.

But I'm here. I survived. I am stronger and wiser than I was 365 days ago.

Today will not be consumed with cancer. Today the boys and I are going to a long-awaited movie and we are going to laugh. Mom loved movies. Today I will sit in a theater with my boys eating buttery, unhealthy movie popcorn and I will enjoy the experience. I will feel the laughter deep down inside. I will remember my life 365 days ago. I will remember the pain and the fear. And I will honor it. But I won't let it hold me down. My mom wouldn't want it to hold me down.

I did find my mom last year. And I did find myself. Not in the way I expected, but I found what I needed to know. And for that I am grateful.

It has been a long, long 365 days. I seem to live in a perpetual state of exhaustion that is just normal now. But I am living. Some days are harder than others. But I keep going.

Tomorrow, I will spend a chilly, sunny first day of Spring morning at the cemetery with my mom. Tomorrow I will remember a year ago with her. But today, I will laugh with my boys. I will give them moments for them to remember about their mom. And I know my mom will be watching us and smiling too.