Day 154: Self-Examination

I had a very long birth this week. I left at 2:30am on Tuesday morning and got home around 7:45am on Wednesday morning. I haven't had one like that in quite a while so I guess I was due (still doesn't beat my record birth...which I'm hoping will never happen!). Anyway, I managed to make time both Tuesday morning and Tuesday evening to get in a quick call to mom and dad.

Tuesday night mom mentioned that she could tell her stomach was starting to fill up again. I didn't think a lot about it at the time because I was preoccupied with the birth, but Tuesday was only 12 days. 12 days after 7.2 liters last time!

That thought hit me this morning when I called mom and could instantly hear "it" in my mom's voice. It was her stomach. I knew it before she said it.

And she tried to downplay it. And got defensive and upset with me when I suggested she call for an appt today to get it drained tomorrow. Mainly because the person that works Fridays is our favorite and I just thought it would work better to get it done before the weekend. But mom said she never should have told me because she knew I "would get like this". That one stung, I have to admit. "Get like this??" Like what? Like the person that has been making all the phone calls and appointments for the last 4 months? Like the person who just doesn't want to ever see my mom in the condition she was in the hospital 4 months ago? Like the person that just takes care of things so mom and dad don't have to? Get like that???? Because that's the mode I go into. And maybe this morning I overreacted. But when she said it was filling up and said that she told Aunt Linda and Uncle Bill that today was not a good day (they called and talked to mom and dad just before I did), I knew this was more than just a small thing.

I understand she wants to wait as long as possible because the more she gets it drained, the more it will fill. I do understand that and I admire her wanting to wait. But we're staring at the weekend and the only option for draining on the weekends is the ER. And the "get like this" comment took me back to many past conversations long before her cancer diagnosis when I just had to get off the phone with her. And today it just stung and I had to regroup and bring myself back to today.

She was just in a different place this morning and my instinct to try to fix things kicked in. Once I backed off, she calmed down and things were fine. I think she knew she jumped on me. But can I really blame her? Can I blame her for being angry and frustrated and scared and just wanting to make some of her own choices? Can I blame her for wanting some control over her own body that has so completely turned against her? No...I don't think I can blame her for any of that.

I was sitting in my car in a parking lot with the boys when I got off the phone with mom. We were heading to catch the streetcar into town for the farmer's market. And right there, in that parking lot, a million different feelings spun through my head in the matter of about 10 seconds. Had I been alone, I think I would have let the tears come. But the boys were there, both asking me what was wrong, and I had to, once again, pull it together and do what needed to be done.

We had a nice time at the market, but I've been in a different place since we got home. I keep hearing my mom's voice in my head. I keep hearing her words and the way she said them. And I keep reminding myself of what she's going through. And it's just such amazing conflict in my head. Conflict that I thought I had honestly worked through. But maybe it's too much to work through a lifetime of mother/daughter issues in the period of 4 months.

I know both mom and dad appreciate all I have done the past several months. One little comment from my mom does not negate that. I know that. But, the brain is so fascinating. And it's amazing where that comment took me today. And it's made me wonder what comes after she's gone? I thought I was becoming more prepared for that day. But what I learned today is that there's still a lot of "stuff" there. And that scares me a little.

But outside of all that junk running through my head that's really not important today is the reality that mom's going to need her stomach drained soon. And we all know what that means. I know mom knows it. And I know that's where her head is today.

So, although I can still hear her comment in my head right now. I also hear her saying, "I love you so much" before she hung up. And I know that is true.

The human mind is complex. Relationships are just as complex. Mothers and Daughters definitely have some crazy complexity. Today I have been pondering that all. Maybe it's not a bad thing to do now and then. It helps me refocus and better able to handle the next step.

My mom is a human being. A human being who is dying. And someone who keeps a lot of her own feelings to herself. I don't do that nearly as well (or at all for that matter).

I am finding my mom. In small ways I'm learning to understand who she is and I need to respect all the ups and downs in her just as I have always wanted her to respect my ups and downs (of which there are many!).

Blogging this today was cathartic. I should have done it early. I almost didn't do it at all because I didn't want to come off as selfish and petty today. But the reality of all of this is that all of us have our own "stuff" and some of that stuff rises to the top at different times. It just reminds me that I'm human I guess.

And that I'm probably still over-tired today and don't handle anything well when I'm still feeling sleep-deprived.

The current task at hand is figuring out when we'll be getting mom's stomach drained again. And I'm just hoping and praying that the timing continues to work out as well as it has in the past because I still have another client due that I'm hoping won't conflict with mom's appointment.

I'm having to acknowledge where I am in my life right now and I'm having to take a step back occasionally and regroup. I'm a 40 year old mother of 2 boys. They are starting a new school program this year that is going to be much more intense than in the past. I am starting school at the same time. I work a job that has no set hours and I never know when I'm going to need to drop my life and go. I also work a job that is all about taking care of others, which I know is what I'm supposed to do with my life, but I have to remind myself that I need to take care of myself too. Because on top of all of that, I am a woman who is losing her mother. And sometimes all of these things overwhelm me. I'm still working on finding a balance.

I have my up and down days. Just like mom. And we're both entitled to them. I just have to dust off my pants and get back up and moving forward again. I think that's all any of us can do.