Day 138: Something is Happening

Just talked with mom and dad. I could hear it in their voices. The Hospice nurse was there today. Mom has gained 6lbs since last Tuesday. That's all fluid. It's time to drain again. It's only been 2 & 1/2 weeks. I was hoping for longer.

This was the sign I was hoping we wouldn't get.

Mom and dad have an appt at the cancer center on Monday, but her stomach will probably be drained tomorrow or Thursday at the latest. We're hoping that they will be able to test the fluid this time. Although I don't know that we actually need the test to get an answer anymore.

It's back. I know we knew it never went away, but we wanted to believe it did.

I'm convinced now that mom almost dying shunted all the energy away from the cancer cells to keep her alive. And she survived. But the cancer never stopped fighting. And it is strong and it is winning.

Mom said she had a breakdown this morning. That is so hard to hear. But I could hear it in her voice anyway. I could hear it in both hers and dads. The phone calls are starting. The cancer center. Hospice. The panic is starting to build again.

And so I have to remember to breathe. To take one moment at a time.

But I'm scared.

Again, I'm so damn scared.

I let myself get comfortable. I let my guard down. I let my heart convince my brain in miracles. And maybe it was a small one. We did get time.

I just want more.

I want so much more.