Day 144: Limited Options

I'm home from the cancer center. Not much that we didn't expect.

I will say this, Mom's Oncologist said he was definitely surprised to see mom looking so good. He really didn't seem like he expected to see her at all by now. I guess that's a good thing. He flat out said that she "puzzles" him.

But there is still reality. The cancer hasn't gone away. We know this because mom's stomach is still filling up. I did ask him if my theory could be possible...that when mom was in the hospital, her body just fought to keep her alive and it took energy away from the cancer cells. He said absolutely.

He did say we could do another abdominal scan, but that Hospice would not allow it. Because to do the scan is to say mom might be willing to fight the cancer with chemo again. And if she chooses chemo, she has to go off Hospice. He said there is no reason to test anything if mom isn't going to chose to fight it.

He told mom that this is really a personal decision sort of thing. She can choose to try chemo again. He said he'd use a different drug. (He still doesn't know why mom reacted the way she did last time. He implied that maybe she was sick with the flu or something on top of the chemo. But I don't think that was the case at all. And then mom said that he also told her that her hair wasn't going to fall out and it did and still hasn't returned. Touche Mr. Oncologist. ;-)). Or mom can choose to just live the life she is living. He explained that everyone is different. Mom knows this just from her friend Jim. He is determined to fight, no matter how sick it makes him. The Oncologist said he has people who he feels should probably quit chemo but they don't want to and so he respects that and let's people choose their own paths. He told mom he respects any decision she makes and that he's simply giving her options.

Mom doesn't want to live like her friend Jim. She admires him greatly, but doesn't want to live that way. She wants to live the way she is now. She truly believes the chemo will kill her. And I can't really argue with her. I sat at her bedside for 5 days. I saw what it did to her. I don't want her to have to go through that again. Don't get me wrong. If my mom looked at me and said, "Kelli, I'm going to fight this, no matter what the side affects are." I would sit right by her side as she went through it. But as long as she doesn't want to go through it, I'm going to support that decision too.

The harsh facts are that chemo or not, mom is going to die. The chemo will not make her cancer go away. It might prolong her life, but that life might be filled with chemo side affects.

It's a decision no one wants to make. I hate it. The options are completely limited and there really isn't a good option. I knew there wouldn't be, but don't think for one minute that there wasn't a little tiny part of me that wanted to hear the Oncologist say, "Well, hey, maybe you beat it and the cancer is gone." My brain knows how unrealistic that it is. But my heart and brain don't think alike.

I am worried about both mom and dad tonight. Mom seemed okay when we left, but dad just seemed so sad throughout the whole thing. Sometimes I feel like he is the forgotten part of this. This is his life too. This is his future too. He's in limbo right now. Tomorrow things could change and he would have a hospital bed back in his home and a wife that is non-responsive. I know that he's trying to live in the moment, but I also know there are things floating around the back of his head. And he doesn't want to bring attention to himself. Partly because he is just like that, but partly because he feels the attention should be on mom.

I did ask the Oncologist how we could expect things to play out as the cancer progresses. He said that mom's stomach will continue to need to be drained more often. He said that every time it is done, her kidneys have to work a lot harder and there is a risk of dehydration. He suggests we don't drain anymore than 5 liters every time to reduce the risk of kidney failure. I will remember that! But it sounds like the kidneys and liver are what he expects to go first.

But when that will happen is anyone's guess. And honestly, most the guesses have been wrong so far. So, I guess this is a long blog to say "Same old, same old". We just continue as is. Today was simply a reality check I suppose.

We did get an answer to one thing...why mom's high blood pressure and diabetes have just seemed to have disappeared. The Oncologist said that the first thing people are told to do when diagnosed with high blood pressure or diabetes is to lose weight. Well, mom has lost a LOT of weight. She was 108 pounds today! I guess that all makes sense.

The Oncologist also mentioned that mom might want to limit her sugar as cancer cells seem to feed off of sugar. Mom said if she limits her sugar she'll probably lose even more weight. She said that the last time he told her she could eat whatever she wanted and he said that she is still welcome to do just that...but that this was just another thought. And one I certainly have heard of as well. But again...it's a double-edged sword...limit sugar and lose more weight but potentially slow the cancer cells or eat the sugar and keep up a live-able body weight.

I do feel frustrated and wish that I could get mom to see my ND as I know she would look at this a little differently and possible keep mom a little healthier as she goes through this which might prolong her life. But I just said that I have to respect her decision not to do chemo so I have to do the same with her choices on how she wants to proceed from here all around.

I really hate the helpless feeling. I think that's really getting to me. But there's nothing I can do. Nothing. But love her and support her. And that I'm doing.

And so now we just wait to see how long before her stomach fills up again. Their Hospice nurse visits tomorrow and I think I may call her after she sees mom just to touch base with her as I haven't done that in a while. I'm curious about her take on things right now.

I was dreading today. But it's strange how I am almost accustomed to these appointments now. I fall apart at random times. Times I don't expect. But it's rarely at these appointments anymore.

I feel sad right now. I feel helpless. A little angry. But I just got off the phone with my mom for my nightly phone call and she sounds good. She says she is glad she went. She's confident in her decision and intends to live her life. I can't argue with that.

I do think that those of us who are knowing we are going to be left behind are feeling lost and desperate for all the time we can get. I'm thinking this weekend Olly and I are going to head up to mom and dad's and Olly is going to clean out dad's computer for him. I mentioned tonight that it looks like October here today. I said I feel like making a pumpkin pie. Mom said, "Now, that's what I need. Pumpkin Pie!" So I will make one and take it up this weekend.

Mom craved pumpkin ice cream when she was pregnant with me. I got my love of pumpkin anything from her. It's the very least I can do to bring her up a pumpkin pie and let her enjoy the entire thing!

Although I hate this cancer, I know this time we have been given is still a gift. I feel closer to my parents than I have in years. And I am grateful for that. I wish I just could have figured that all out w/o the cancer part.

Tonight, I will go to bed with the beautiful sound of NW raindrops on my roof. I love that sound. It is comforting. And comforting is just what I need tonight.

Thank you all for your continued thoughts and prayers. I swear I feel them all! And they are incredibly appreciated.