Days 101 - 106: And a week goes by

Tomorrow will be a week since I blogged last. I know I'm repeating myself but it all seems so surreal. Mom continues to do so well!

I'm crossing my fingers that I'll actually make it up to see mom and dad tomorrow. The only thing that would keep me back is if a client goes into labor.

I'm on my own this weekend. The boys are with their dad and Olly is with his family meeting his new niece for the first time.

It's a heavy reflection time for me. Tomorrow would be my 15th wedding anniversary if my ex-husband and I were still married. Unfortunately since my divorce, the 4th of July has not been my most favorite holiday. Don't get me wrong. I am a much happier and stronger woman since my divorce. I know without a doubt it was the right thing to do. But that doesn't negate the fact that 15 years ago I stood overlooking Lake Tahoe and believed in forever. I was 25 years old. I am not even remotely the woman I was that stood there that day.

Almost 4 years ago, I separated from my husband and I've thought a lot recently about how I would have handled this whole situation with mom if I had still been where I was 4 years ago before I left. I was a shell of a woman. My divorce made me stronger than I had ever been. And I have needed to harness all that strength a lot over the past 106 days.

Everything happens for a reason. I hear it all the time. Tonight, I just can't help but contemplate about all that has taken place in my life in the last 4 years and wonder if, or how, any of it ties together.

It's a bittersweet time for me. I never wanted my children to have divorced parents. But they do. But because of that divorce my children have a healthy, happy and strong mother.

I felt like I let my mom down a lot when I got divorced. It kind of tore us apart. We rarely talked. And then cancer came into our lives.

And the cancer brought us back together.

And it's giving us time to reconnect.

Who knew?

Every morning and every evening I tell my parents I love them and they tell me the same. And it's sincere and honest and true. I am incredibly grateful for every one of those I Love Yous that I can say and every one that I hear.

Life is a roller coaster. And I have never been fond of roller coasters. But this is one I have to ride. Most of the time I am white knuckled. But I keep riding it through the ups and the downs.

15 years ago, I never thought I'd be sitting alone on the eve what would become my ex-anniversary writing in my blog about my mom's cancer. 4 years ago I never would have thought I would be strong enough to face my mom's impending death and somehow hold it together. 6 months ago I wouldn't have imagined talking to my parents twice a day...simply because we could.

Sometimes I get scared when I think about all that I have yet to experience and still will experience in my future. But what the last 4 years and, even more specifically, the last 106 days have taught me is that I can get through whatever sharp corner my roller coaster of life may take. I will have times I break down. I will have moments of weakness. But I will get up and I will keep going. I am stronger than I ever thought I was. I have many, many people who love me that I never really acknowledged to myself before.

And just when things look their darkest, you never know when the light is going to shine again and surprise you with something you never expected.

My mom is doing so well and that light was certainly a welcome surprise!

And I sat down tonight feeling sad, but after putting this all down in words, another light has shown through for me. The 4th of July was once my anniversary. But as I wrote this blog tonight, I realized that it truly now is my Independence Day. I am independent from that marriage now. I am no longer dependent on what it held for me or how it held me down. It was something I needed to experience to help make me into the person I am today. And that gives me Independence and strength and courage to face another day...and whatever sharp corners are coming down my path!

Happy Independence Day tomorrow everyone! Be Safe!