Day 112: That "M" Word Again

~ I started this blog Thursday afternoon and was coming back to finish it this morning. But in that matter of time, things have changed. I'm going to leave what I started and update below because I think it's important to document where I was yesterday and where I am today. ~

Mom's hospice nurse visited again on Tuesday. Something new actually came of it...mom's blood pressure is going back up. It may be strange, but I actually can't help but think that's a good thing. Perhaps the cancer isn't running the show anymore.

The nurse was sitting and taking some notes when she looked over at my mom and said, "How long has the swelling been gone in your feet?" Mom said it had been several weeks. She said the nurse just put down her paperwork, looked at her and said, "You truly are a miracle".

So there it is again. Miracle.

And although I really just want to let it be and not try to figure it out, my brain has to research it. I want to figure out what is going on. I've found some documentation on the idea of cancer going into remission when someone nearly dies because all the attention goes to saving the life and keeping all the vital organs alive. Could this have been what happened to mom? Does it mean that one of these days things are going to turn again when her body fully recovers from her time spent in the hospital?

Could the two pints of blood she received in the hospital have done something? I can't find much documentation on that, but it makes me wonder. Healthy donor blood. Could it have done something for mom?

Then I found this website and found it really fascinating: http://www.noetic.org/research/sr/faqs.html#top

On my way to work tonight I talked to mom and dad about all of this. We discussed how many people have been praying for her. And we discussed miracles. During our conversation mom mentioned that she does think that she will get sick again, but that maybe it will be years. We discussed positive thinking. We discussed a lot. She also told me she got a letter from her friend Eileen's daughter. Eileen died recently from cancer and her daughter just sent a quick letter to let her know how much she has been thinking about her. Mom was so touched. She said she had been wanting dad to write a letter to Eileen's family for her, but it hadn't happened yet. I told her that when I call in the morning, I'll get the address and she can dictate a letter and I'll send it for her. She was very happy about that. She was also really excited to go out to lunch with friends from nursing school tomorrow. I got to work and had a conversation about all of this with one of my colleagues. It still is surreal to talk about miracles and smile as I talk about my mom and have people so genuinely happy for me.

~ Cut to this (Friday) morning ~

I called this morning and the phone went to mom and dad's voicemail. About 20 minutes later, mom called me. I could hear it in her voice. I could tell something had changed. My stomach immediately dropped. Mom paused and then told me that she and dad had been on the phone with Hospice because her abdomen is filling up.

And so here I am...trying not to overreact but I can't help wondering if this is the beginning of things changing. I feel like that was the phone call I was so terrified of having with mom. But maybe her abdomen just needs to be drained and then we'll go a couple of months again and things will be as they have been recently.

But I can't say I'm not really scared and worried right now. Mom cancelled her lunch with her friends. She says she doesn't think she could eat. She sounded a little concerned...but trying to keep it from me. I know that voice.

I didn't push it. I didn't want to make things bigger than they are. So, I told her to call me as soon as she knew what the plan was for getting her abdomen drained. Originally Hospice told mom and dad that they would come to their house to do it. The kit is there. So, I'm hoping that's how it will work today. If mom has to go to the hospital, I'm going to pack up the boys and go. But I'm really hoping it won't come to that.

So, that's where things are right now. I'm really just trying to breathe and take this one step at a time. And I'm going to continue trying to stay positive and believe that maybe this is just a bump in an otherwise wonderful road right now.

I'll post updates as I get them.