Taking Care

I am a caretaker. That's who I am. I take care of my family. I take care of my home. I take care of my clients. I take care of my dad. I took care of mom. It all comes naturally to me and I like it that way.

However, I fail miserably in one area. I do not do a good job of taking care of myself. I never have.

This year I intend to change that.

I would like to say I'm going to put myself first, but I know that isn't true. But I am, at least, putting myself on the list. :-)

I stepped on the scale for the first time in months and was not happy with what I saw. I was not surprised, but was certainly not happy. I needed to do it though. I needed to see the number to help give me motivation. When I look in the mirror, the toll last year took on my body is visible. I see it in my eyes and my face and my waist and my hips and my thighs and even my fingers and toes. It's as though I'm carrying it all around with me.

It's time to let it go.

I spent some time this weekend putting together a spreadsheet to track my eating and exercising and weight loss. I'm motivated today. I know there will be days that I am not. But I'm hoping I can continue to push through. I have made a healthy goal that I believe I can accomplish.

I have had to remind myself that letting go of this cover or this armor with which I have insulated myself is healthy and is okay. It's time to start walking in this world with the strength I have inside of me visible from the outside too.

My challenge is simple really. Just eat consciously. I have always worked out (thank goodness or who knows where I'd be right now!). I just spent the past year eating on the road. I would grab whatever was closest to tide me over. I also am a stress eater and eating consciously will help me curb that better as well.

It's not as much about losing weight as it is about being good to myself. It's about giving myself permission to take care of myself. It's about living life consciously and openly, even when it hurts.

It's a new year. It is no longer 2009, the year my mom died. It is however still only 2 & a half months since it happened. I have to respect that. I have to honor this grieving process. But I do not have to succumb to it.

I can still take care of all I need (and want) to take care of. But I can, and will, take care of myself this year too. I get the sense that mom is pretty happy with that decision. :-)