3 months

Wow...it's been a quarter of a year since mom died. It's hard to believe.

Last night I had been mulling over whether or not to drive to the cemetery today. I promised myself, when mom died, I would visit the cemetery at least every month on the 13th for the first year. I made it in November, but in December there was snow and it looks like I won't make it again today. But I'm going easy on myself. I've backed off my original plan and am allowing myself to say it's okay if I'm not there on the 13th. I do go often, and I will get there again soon. Mom knows I'm thinking about her constantly. I don't need a trip to the cemetery for her to know she's on my mind. Nonetheless, it is, strangely, where I feel the closest to her.

However, this morning at 3am I was woken by my client's husband. An hour and 14 minutes later, a beautiful baby boy was born into the world in the emergency room of one of the local hospitals.

Is there really any better way to spend this day than to welcome a new baby into the world? I don't think so. The circle of life continues to present itself to me. It is powerful and wonderful.

As I sat in the parking lot of the hospital waiting for my clients to show up this morning, I had a moment of thinking about what I was doing 3 months ago and how remarkably different my life is today. And it occurred to me that I'm okay.

I'm okay knowing that it's normal to feel sad at the oddest times. I'm okay knowing that it's good to laugh and smile and be joyful. I'm okay knowing that I'm moving forward without my mom physically present, but somehow still present in so many ways.

I'm okay.

Of course, I did find myself in the grocery store parking lot in tears on Sunday for no discernible reason. I just knew I was crying over mom, although I had no idea why it hit when it did. There didn't seem to be a noticeable trigger. But there I was...just wanting to buy groceries, but sitting in my car trying to stop the tears that just wanted to keep coming.

And on Monday, I watched Christopher's birth video as I do on every one of his birthdays. He turned 8 this year. On Sunday afternoon, it occurred to me that mom was on that video. I'm SO glad it hit me before I saw her on the video because I felt I had a little time to prepare. As the video played, I cried, as I always do, when Christopher was born. And then my heart started to race as I anticipated seeing my mom. And then, there she was...just for a minute or so...but I could see her, healthy and strong and smiling and happy. And I could hear her voice. Oh my gosh, that was incredible. I heard her laugh. And it was heart wrenching and beautiful at the same time. And then it was over. But I could rewind and see her again.

Sometimes I wish life had a rewind button.

But it doesn't and we keep moving forward.

Today my heart and mind is remembering my mom. But a part of it is also in Haiti where there has been so much loss of life after the earthquake that hit yesterday. And a part of it is with the beautiful new baby that was born this morning. The little baby that just couldn't wait to get to the labor and delivery floor. The little baby that is going to have a beautiful life with his incredible parents and 2 big brothers. The little baby that reminds me that life continues. And it is good. It is full of ups and downs. But we keep moving forward because there is no other choice. To not move forward would be to miss all the good the world has to offer.

I miss my mom. Every day I miss her. And I'm learning from those that have gone before me that it's possible that never changes. Strange how I initially thought it would. But I may miss her every day for the rest of my life. And I'm learning and accepting that it is okay.

3 months. I have learned a lot in those 3 months.

And today I celebrate a beautiful new life. 8 years and 2 days after I held my own new beautiful life in my arms, with my mom nearby. She was nearby today too. I know that without a doubt.

Welcome little baby D. Thank you, and your parents, for the wonderful gift you gave to me today.