Life Does Go On

Five years ago if someone had asked me if I could imagine life without my mom, I would have been horrified at the thought. The simple idea of living without my parents was too much to even think about. I knew one day it would happen, but I intended to be in denial about it until I had to face it.

Then 3 years ago, I thought I was losing my dad. His health seemed to be steadily declining and none of us knew what was going on. I remember talking to my mom about how sick dad was and how I was worried that she was going to have to take care of him for many years. I was sad for my mom because I knew she had sacrificed everything for her family for her entire adult life. And here I was worried about her now sacrificing her golden years while she was healthy and vibrant. I was sad to think about losing my dad and I was sad to think that my mom might have to spend a good portion of the rest of her life taking care of him if he was just declining. I remember it being a horrible time and a lot of conflict in my head.

And then my dad received his Parkinson's diagnosis and was put on medication and nearly overnight, he was back to my old dad. It was remarkable. And I thought that my parents were going to have many more years to enjoy together.

They had 2. And those 2 should be something to be grateful for, but it was still only 2 years. And then, overnight, mom was diagnosed with cancer and all of our lives were turned upside down.

And yet, we keep moving forward. Me, Michael, Dad...we all keep moving forward. And we're doing okay. And some days I feel guilty for that. Although I know there is no other choice. I suppose if I thought I had a choice to curl into a big lump and hide under my covers forever, I might have chosen that, but that was never an option.

It's amazing to me that you can lose someone so important in your life and keep moving forward. Some days it is really strange to me.

And then there are the days when it stops me in my tracks.

On Wednesday I had some long-needed dental work done. I wasn't anticipating the pain that came with it. It was the first time I had been in pain like that in a long, long time. I received a prescription for pain meds, but I don't take pain meds. And they would have made me drowsy and not able to be available to clients. I knew I wouldn't take them, but I went to the store and filled the prescription anyway, just in case the pain really got to a point where I couldn't take it anymore.

The store was packed. The pharmacy had about a 30 minute wait. I walked around looking for some soft food and started feeling really sad. This was one of those times when I would have called mom and she would have felt truly bad for me. Only a mom can really "feel" their child's pain. And mom would have felt mine and, although I wouldn't have wanted her to worry, I would have like the care and concern.

But I couldn't call her.

I was tired and in pain as I made my way out to my car in the dark and the emotions bubbled up. The tears came in buckets and there was screaming and yelling at I don't know who. It lasted a good 10 minutes.

When those moments come, I realize that, yes, I am moving forward. Yes, I am still a good Doula, a good Childbirth Educator, a great mom, a good student. I take care of all that needs to be taken care of in my life. However, there is, and always will be, a hole in my heart. And there will always be moments when I desperately miss my mom. I miss her every day, but those moments where it so so incredibly painful don't come every day. Nonetheless, when they do, they remind me that I will never fill the void that was left by the loss of my mom. There is no filling it.

But the rest of my life moves on. I have come to understand that, occasionally, I will have to pass through that place where the hole is in my heart. Life circumstances will come up that will take me to that hole. And the tears will come. And the pain will seem unbearable again.

And then it will pass. And I will keep moving forward.

I have come to understand that it will likely be this way forever. I am living and I can laugh and I can enjoy life, but every once in a while, I will fall into that hole.

And that's to be expected and it's okay.

The human spirit really is incredible. We can survive incredible things. 5 years ago I could never have imagined that I would be able to survive losing my mom. But I am. I don't like that I have to be going through this. But I don't have to like it. I just have to do it.

Oh...and on a side note...the pain meds were hydrocodone...exactly the same thing my mom had for pain when she was dying. I saw that bottle and it really took me back to standing in mom and dad's kitchen reading the labels on all the drugs that were there for mom. It was sort of a surreal moment. I never took any by the way. I would have had to be in much more pain to take one of those pills. But I feel like I had to go get them. I needed to have that moment too.

Life is all about the little moments. The good. The bad. The happy. The sad. All we can do is take each one as it comes and walk our way through it the best we can.

Life does go on for those of us who are left behind. And the best thing we can do to honor those that have died is simply to keep living.