Day 191: One foot in front of the other

Wow, day 191! In some ways I am so happy and grateful and in other ways I am still so incredibly sad. When I started this blog, I was not sure I would even see 50 days. And here we are at day 191. I have had so much more time with my mom than I anticipated and for that, I truly am grateful. But the reality is, it is day 191 of a blog about my mom dying and, in all honesty, I hate that.

Things continue to be taking us down a declining road. I can "feel" it when I talk to my parents. I'm fairly certain mom feels it too. As does dad. Hospice knows as well. They call and visit more often lately.

It's an odd place to be right now. This "anticipatory grief" is agonizing, although I still prefer it over the "real grief" that will come after mom is gone. Nonetheless, mom, dad, Michael and I are starting to live our lives as though we are planning for an event. And I guess, in some sense, we are. You know, when there is a wedding or birthday party or baby shower in the works, you make plans. You send out invitations. You order flowers. You find your venue, etc., Well, that's kind of our life right now, except we're planning a funeral. Mom and dad have been trying to put together mom's obituary which has proved harder than they thought. I told mom last weekend that as long as we had the pertinent info, we'd make sure it got done the way she wanted and she could quit worrying about it. Mom and dad visited the Catholic cemetery in Seattle where mom's final resting place will be. They had purchased everything there years ago but had never seen it. Mom said it was beautiful. And then proceeded to tell me they had to call the mortuary and talk to their priest, blah, blah, blah. I hear it all, but my brain wants to shut it out.

I know I will appreciate not having to do all of this on the fly after mom is gone. But doing it ahead of time isn't all that easy either.

I brought home all of mom's photo albums so I could start working on a video for the funeral. I know I won't be able to speak. And thankfully Michael knows that too as he is working on a eulogy. Just thinking of my brother getting up and speaking at my mom's funeral tears me to pieces inside. But it's where we are right now.

As I've said before, we continue to live our lives. I do all the things I need to do. Plus I've added in my own school now too. This week felt fairly overwhelming, but I continue to make it through. It's what human beings do.

Of course, yesterday when mom told me that dad was visiting his neurologist because she had been noticing some changes in him, I nearly crumbled again. My greatest fear is that my dad is going to die right after my mom and to hear that his Parkinson's may be acting up was just too much for me yesterday. But thankfully, his neurologist doesn't feel like it's all necessarily Parkinson's related, but stress related. He gave my dad another prescription that will hopefully give him some energy back. And I'm trying to just let those fears go for now. I know they don't do anything good for me. I have people reminding me of that as well. But it's a lot easier said than done.

And so, we keep putting one foot in front of the other. We keep traveling down this road ultimately knowing how it ends, just not when. Fall is here. The weather is changing. The holidays are coming. And I try not to think about them. I want to believe my mom will be here. And I guess right now, all I can do is believe that what will be, will be. Just like my mom always taught me.