Day 176: Emotions on high

I don't even know where to start today. I've put off blogging all week because, well, in all honesty, I've been trying to be tough. But it's now Friday night at 10pm. I'm alone in a very quiet house and my tough exterior is fading.

As I mentioned, Olly drove to California a week ago. The plans were for him to come home Tuesday. That turned into Wednesday and then his grandma took a turn for the worse and he decided to stay through the weekend.

His grandma died last night at the much too young age of 64.

I am SO glad Olly was able to be there.

But I have to say this week was really hard. And I feel selfish about it. And I have wanted to put it into words all week, but I didn't want Olly to feel like he couldn't talk to me. Because that's not what I want at all. I need him to talk to me. I just need to figure out how to let out my emotions in a healthy way too.

I hurt so badly for him. I hurt that I'm not there. I should be with him. I feel so far away from him.

And, yet, every time I heard from him, it was like a stab in the gut because I couldn't help but think that my turn is coming. This horrible rotten disease is inside my mom. It is slowly taking her from me. And every time I got off the phone or read a text from Olly, I ended up in tears.

And it's hard when it's your main support person that is hurting because you have to find support somewhere else. And I just didn't have that this week. Olly didn't need to be taking care of me. He was taking care of so many others in his family. So...I held it together and I went about my days. But I feel like I've been in a fog all week. It's almost like I'm not really here. I don't really know how to explain it.

But, as I mentioned, my resolve has weakened tremendously as the week has gone on. I'm not sleeping well and my patience is running thin. I feel lonely and lost and scared.

And the only reason I'm even posting tonight is because Olly and I talked a little today. More than we have all week. And we both said that we think this whole thing will probably help us when we are sitting in each other's roles someday down the line. Although...I really don't want to be there. But I'm hoping as he reads this he understands my feelings.

It's been hard being away from someone who I am so used to being with every day. It's been hard to be so far away from him when he's hurting. And it's been hard to hear what it's like to lose someone from cancer. Because I don't want to do it.

In the time my mom has been diagnosed, I have heard so many stories of people losing someone they loved to cancer. This disease has to be stopped. It's ugly. It takes away life, and it does it painfully. It is not easy to die from cancer and that makes me so incredibly angry. And I feel like this week has been a very close look into what is to come and I hate it. I just hate it so much.

And so I sit alone in my house sobbing out of pain and anger.

I knew my emotions were getting the best of me when I found myself sobbing over the fact that my very favorite radio show was being pulled from the air and tonight was their last night. That show brought me so much humor over the past year and 9 months. I would listen to them driving home from childbirth classes. And I was SO mad that they were going to be gone. I felt like I was losing friends. And it was as though the volcano of emotions finally erupted. I am SO tired of loss.

And tonight, I'm alone. At least all week I had my boys on which to focus my energy. When the emotions bubbled, I'd make breakfast or lunch or do some schoolwork with them or we would get out of the house and do something or whatever...there was always a distraction. There is no distraction tonight.

I really should be in bed. I have to get up early tomorrow. I can't explain how grateful I am that I am teaching all day tomorrow. And then tomorrow night I'm going to a concert that I have been waiting for all summer. Unfortunately Olly isn't going to go with me as planned and that, again, makes me really sad because I wanted to share this with him. But, for whatever reason, he isn't supposed to go and it's going to be a girls night out now with two of my girlfriends. I'm sure we will have fun and it's probably a really good thing. I should be well distracted tomorrow.

~ Sigh ~ honestly, that felt good to let go. I've been holding in a lot of emotions this week. And I suppose that isn't good either. I wanted to be a good support person this week. But I know enough to know that in order to do that I need support myself...and I didn't get that this week. I should have done a better job of that.

So now it's almost 11pm and I'm still wide awake. I'm going to be one tired girl tomorrow. I'll probably go lie down in bed and start reading one of my textbooks. That usually does a good job of putting me to sleep. ;-)

I wish everyone a peaceful weekend. And I hope my next blog post will hold a little more good news. Mom and dad's 51st anniversary is coming up next weekend and Michael and Kiersten and Olly and I are all the boys are going to spend a few hours with them to celebrate. I intend to make sure lots of pictures are taken. I also am intending to get mom's phone albums and bring them home. I have some plans for those as well.

I turned in 30 8mm tapes to Costco last weekend to get put onto a cd. That was long in coming. I'm hoping all the tapes were still good. They went back to 1964 and I want to have those memories for a long time to come.

Okay...off to bed...just me and my textbooks...and hopefully no more tears...for tonight anyway.