Day 170: Reading

Not much has transpired this past week with mom. She has a bit of a cold which, of course, concerns me. But she seems to be okay. I couldn't get a solid answer on the color of mom's fluid that changed with her last draining. I have decided I have to let it go. Perhaps I just don't need all the answers. I'm having to come to terms with all of that.

I did talk to mom and dad on Wednesday and they informed me they were writing their obituaries. I don't know why that kind of information still shocks me. But the tears flowed uncontrollably. Nonetheless, I'm glad they are writing their own because I don't want to leave anything out one day. Yet, as unrealistic as it is, I just wish it wasn't something they, or anyone, had to spend time doing. I often wonder what my mom and dad's conversations are like these days. And then I remind myself that I just don't have to know everything. Some things are just better left unsaid or unknown.

I continue to read "Being with Dying" and am including another passage tonight because it really says so much of what I've been dealing with lately. This passage comes from a meditation called "Four Profound Reminders" This is reminder 4 (you have to pick up the book to get the first three...it's a book worth having...)

"Finally, consider the truth of suffering - birth, old age, sickness, death, getting what you do not want, not getting what you want, and losing that which you cherish. So often you have felt that this or that will make you happy, will finally bring you peace. You might have worked very hard for these things - a good relationship, a nice house, a satisfying job. Yet sooner or later you will lose all these things. They themselves can also cause you to suffer. Consider the truth of ill-being, and the great benefit of being free of suffering. Contemplate what it would be to live a life without fear. Know that deathless enlightenment is here at this very moment. Can you relax your grip on what you think is real and open your life to whatever arises? Can you see through the illusion of past, present, and future? Can you let go of the reference points of solidity, identity and separateness? Can you relax and open to things as they are? Can you plunge into life at this very moment and accept and learn from all of it? Let confidence arise in the trust of the present moment. Be there for it.

Relax as you experience this focused awareness, sense of inquiry, and presence, and remember who you really are, and why you are here."

It's hard work, but no one said life is easy.

I am learning a lot of lessons. Some complex, like the one above. And some simple...like the fact that I need to allow myself to be photographed more. I was going through my parents' old photo albums and realized that in most of our family photos, my mom was behind the camera. I wish there had been more photos of her. I, too, prefer to be behind the camera. But someday I want my kids to have printed memories of me. I will work harder on that one, just as I work on the big lessons.

And I continue on taking things one day a time. Learning and growing along the way.

Olly is in California right now. He drove 15 hours to say good-bye to his grandma before she dies of lung cancer. He is seeing family he hasn't seen in a very long time. As is life in many families, the only time we see each other is during a wedding or funeral or maybe a random family reunion. It's unfortunate that lives are so busy these days. But Olly's grandmothers illness is bringing together his family as well and that is a blessing and a good thing in the face of great sorrow. I know I have been so grateful for my extended family through my mom's illness and am happy that we are in contact more than we used to be. I just wish it hadn't taken mom getting sick to put us back in touch. And I plan to work harder to keep in touch with people now and in the future. Family and close friends are SO very important. We can't allow ourselves to get wrapped up in our daily lives so much that we don't make time for the most important connections in our lives.

And now I'm off to rest. I had another 24 hour birth this week and am still trying to catch up. The older I get, the harder those all night births are on my body! :-O I also started school again this week and am officially a full-time college student again. 2 years from now I hope to have my Bachelor's Degree! The first week wasn't as stressful as I had anticipated it would be last Sunday when I signed on to my classes for the first time. It's a lot of extra work, but it's work I'm proud of and work that will have a great reward at the end!

I hope you all had a wonderful summer. It seems that fall is here. The leaves are changing and falling. The weather has cooled. It's September. As Spring was coming in, I found out that mom had cancer. At the time, I didn't expect that she would still be here to see this fall. I'm so very grateful for all the time we have been given. And I want to believe she will be here for all the holidays coming up, but I am trying to just be very grateful for every day that we have together. It's day 170. That's miraculous. And I am grateful for every single one of those 170 days.