Day 183: Reality

Today has been an incredibly long day.

This week mom's fluid has been building quickly. She took her first anti-anxiety meds this week because she was finding it harder and harder to eat because her stomach was compressed by the fluid. Then it was getting harder and harder to breathe. She's having some other physical ailments as well.

That first medication was tough for me. It signified so much more than one simple little pill. It signified the turning of events.

Now, let me say, my emotions are absolutely raw. With Olly's grandma dying last week, I think things really hit too close to home. I'm not sleeping well. I'm not eating well. The only thing I'm doing well is studying and working out. Of course, the studying is adding some major stress and I'm feeling incredibly overwhelmed by everything right now.

So, I'm raw. But the build up of this week brought me to today. And it was hard.

I have had to compose myself for the past several days every time I got off the phone with mom. I can just hear the change in her. She's trying to fake it, but I can hear it.

This morning mom said she and dad had been talking and felt like I didn't need to come over for the next draining. I told her that if she didn't want me there, I wouldn't come but that if she was just doing it because she felt bad about me driving, then she had to let me make that decision. She said she absolutely loved having me there and that wasn't it at all, but she just felt bad for the boys having to sit there and me driving, etc. I told her that I got to make that decision and if I felt like it was too much, I would let her know. She didn't even argue. She just said ok. Honestly, I don't think she meant a word of it when she said she'd be okay without me. Well, I know she would be okay. But I also know it helps for her to have me there. So, things will remain the same. I have certainly learned where I get my need to never put anyone out though! I do the exact same thing with all my friends, "No, no...I'm fine." I never want anyone to have to go out of their way for me. I apparently learned from the best when it comes to that.

After my call today I decided I needed to call her Hospice nurse to either verify or deny what I've been thinking. I suppose I wanted her to tell me it was all in my head, but I wasn't surprised when she told me she thinks I'm right.

Her nurse told me she also believes things are changing. She says mom is so small, there's so little left of her. She says she feels like mom is starting to exhibit some fear about things which tends to be a sign that someone knows things are changing inside of them. She also said that the time may come when the fluid can't continue to be drained. It can't be done very close together because it's bad on mom's kidneys and liver. So, once it gets to the point of needing to be drained closer together, we actually have to stop draining it. And then just try to make mom comfortable. This terrifies me. Absolutely terrifies me.

So, cut to the hospital today. There was a mix up and we ended up sitting in the waiting room longer than we had all anticipated. While we sat there mom and dad started talking to me about stuff I didn't want to talk about in the waiting room at the hospital. They told me they have an appointment at the cemetery next week because they've never been there yet. They're being interned at the Catholic cemetery in Seattle. They've paid for everything and everything is in place, but they have yet to go out there. They talked about it like they were going out for dinner. They talked about the cremation and the service at the church. And my head was screaming, "STOP! PLEASE STOP!"

I realized then that this is their life. These are the conversations they have together. And it ripped my heart out of my chest and tore it into little pieces. It hurt so much to imagine them sitting at home together discussing all this. Of course, I knew they probably had, but the idea that they made an appointment to go to the cemetery was just too much reality for me today.

Mom and I finally went back to the radiology room. It was almost a welcome respite from the conversation. Things went a little better than last week, although the color of the fluid was the same as last time. I now know it wasn't blood. It's simply the color the fluid. The tech today wrote down "Strawberry" for color. They only had to turn her once to keep the draining. But that's still different than it was for the several times previous to the one 3 weeks ago. Mom had taken an anti-anxiety pill beforehand which I actually think did help her state of mind. I'm thinking I could have used one too. :-O

After the draining was done, mom felt so much better. She was sitting on the side of the bed waiting for the tech to find a wheelchair when she looked at me and said, "I'm so lucky to have you." I never know how to respond to that. I just smile and say I'm glad I can be there. Then she told me she found a picture for her obituary but still needs one to blow up for the funeral. I couldn't even talk. I had to look down and try to keep the tears from flowing. I KNOW I have to have these conversations. But I wasn't prepared today. And I wasn't prepared for them being just like a conversation about anything else.

I then wheeled mom out to the main entrance and we went through our drill of waiting for dad to go get the car. Just before he left, he reached for mom's hand and gave her a quick kiss. She grabbed his hand with both her hands and for a moment they just smiled at one another. No words were exchanged but so much was said. It was the most beautiful thing and it broke my heart at the same time. It will be a moment I don't think I'll ever forget.

I had a 2 hour drive home and then had an appointment with a client tonight and had to finish up birthday shopping for Jonathan. I also have been trying to find canned pumpkin which apparently every store is out of! I had planned to make mom a pumpkin pie for her anniversary, but unless I find pumpkin, I'm out of luck. I am making a cake for both their anniversary and Jonathan's birthday and we'll be celebrating all of that on Sunday. Then Monday is Jonathan's actual birthday and the boys and I are going to the Puyallup Fair.

I plan to pick up mom's photo albums on Sunday and starting putting together a collage of pictures that I can put up for her when the time comes and she is more bed ridden. I want happy memories for her to see every time she opens her eyes.

So, I guess I'm planning ahead too. In my own way. No matter how much I hate it.

It's been a long day. And I'm going to be up for a while studying tonight. I imagine there will continue to be several moments of breaking down still tonight. I feel like I'm living in this strange world that is nothing like what I remember it being. I still cannot imagine this world without my mom. My brain can't get there. I don't know that it ever will.

This weekend is about celebrating though. So, I'm trying to get myself to that place where I can celebrate my parent's 51st anniversary and my son's 11th birthday. It's odd celebrating in the face of impending sorrow (or perhaps current sorrow), but that's what we humans do. It's how we go on. It's just not always easy.