October

Where do I start? A year ago, everything was changing and it was becoming very clear that the cancer was taking mom. http://findingmymom.blogspot.com/2009/10/day-196-i-hope-im-wrong.html As today has approached, my moods have shifted. I feel like I'm living in an odd bubble of time. It is almost as though I am living a year ago. I feel as though I am reliving it all, the pain, the suffering, the hurt. It's all very real and very raw and I wasn't expecting it. So, as I do, I researched and, sure enough, I'm normal. Well, in this aspect anyway. ;-) Apparently this is not unusual as the first year anniversary of a death approaches. I guess I thought we had done so many "firsts" this year, that this would just be another one. But I couldn't have been more wrong. This one is HUGE. And it's been building as October has drawn closer and closer.

The leaves are changing. Fall is here. And I remember thinking last year that Fall would always be about the loss of my mom. But I didn't realize how vividly that would feel for me. As the weather changed, so did my moods and my feelings. I have cried more in the past couple of weeks than I have cried in the past several months. And it is that deep down cry of loss. It's all so deep and strong and raw again. It's unsettling really.

And then I talk to people and they tell me that they are surprised that I am shocked by my reaction to this anniversary. And then I realize I am still underestimating grief. I keep thinking, "I've survived everything else, why should this be different?" And I guess the answer is "Because it IS different". All the other anniversaries were anniversaries of things I'd experienced my entire life. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Dad's birthday, Easter, my birthday, Mother's Day, Mom's birthday, Mom and Dad's anniversary. They were different and harder because mom wasn't here. But October 13th was not an important day in my life until last year. And now it is a life changing day. It will always be an important day for the rest of my life. But this is the 1st anniversary of that day. It seems similar to a baby's 1st birthday. It is the FIRST time celebrating that birthday. It's why parents make it to be such a big deal. That day has become forever important in their life, but only in the past year did it become that way. That's how this feels. It IS a big deal. It is the FIRST anniversary of my mom's death. It is the first time I have ever marked this day in my life. And the only thing that makes October 13th special in my life is that it is the day my mom died. It's not a holiday that everyone else with loss has to get through. It is not a birthday or another anniversary that has been celebrated over and over. It is the day my mom died. And it's the first time I am marking that day. I guess it does make sense that it is huge. I keep saying, "It's been a year...I should be better", but the reality is, it's ONLY been a year.

I am trying to come up with how I want to handle the 13th. How I want to mark each anniversary of mom's death and I haven't figured it out yet. I feel like it will come to me. I know I plan to go to the cemetery and possibly up to dad's as I would rather he not be alone. But I feel like there needs to be something more. Maybe I make a donation to hospice. Maybe I perform a random act of kindness. I don't know. I just know there needs to be something and I still believe it will come.

But until then, I am letting myself experience this time. Now that I have acknowledged its significance and its power, I can let myself feel it. Now that the shock of the feelings has worn off, I can accept that it is something that needs to be experienced. Good, bad or otherwise.

I feel my mom close by. More than I have in the last year. Maybe spirits get to come around more on the anniversary of their death too. I don't know. I just know she is here and she has provided me some comfort as I feel my heart breaking in those same spots that it broke last year. Old wounds opening up. But it's okay. I think. They will heal up again, although the scars will never go away. I found this poem while doing all my research and somehow, it helps a little:

Please don’t mourn for me
I’m still here, though you don’t see.
I’m right by your side each night and day
And within your heart I long to stay.

My body is gone but I’m always near
I’m everything you feel, see and hear.
My spirit is free but I’ll never depart
As long as you keep me alive in your heart.

I’ll never wander out of your sight.
I’m the brightest star on a warm summer night.
I’ll never go beyond your reach
I’m the warm, moist sand when you walk on the beach.
I’m the colourful leaves when winter comes ‘round
And the pure white snow that blankets the ground.

I’m the beautiful flowers of which you’re so fond.
The clear cool water in a quiet pond.
I’m the first bright blossom you see in the spring.
The first shiny raindrop that storm clouds bring.

I’m the first ray of light when the sun starts to shine
And you see that the face in the moon is mine.
When you start thinking there’s no one to love you
Talk to me and I will listen.
I’ll whisper my answer through the leaves on the trees.
And you’ll feel my presence in the soft summer breeze.

I’m the hot salty tears that flow when you weep
And the beautiful dreams that come while you sleep
I’m the smile you see on a stranger’s face
Just look for me………
I’m every place!

~ Anonymous

One day, one step, at a time as I make my way through these next 12 days and all that will come along with them.