October Continues

Last year on this day was the last time I ever heard my mom tell me she loved me.

http://findingmymom.blogspot.com/2009/10/day-201-beginning-of-end.html

It was with a rattling voice and felt desperate as though she needed me to understand. And I did. I still wish I had understood for all the years before that.

Yesterday, I received an e-mail from my Aunt Judy, and as she always does, she shared a story with me that helped calm my heart. One of the things she mentioned was the dates of death for my maternal grandparents. Now, I took pictures of my grandparents graves this summer when I was at the cemetery in Roslyn. I have them on my phone. I looked at them over and over and not once did it occur to me that my grandmother, my mom's mom, died on October 12th. One day and 32 years before my mom died. It just struck me as so odd that they would die one day apart. My mom and her mom had an even more tumultuous relationship than mom and I did...significantly more really. It just seems so interesting that out of 365 days in a year, my mom and her mom would die one day apart. It was kind of stunning to me.

A year ago today was hell. I still feel like I'm re-living it, but it's not as painful as this day was last year. I remember the cry I had a year ago. It was a cry from a place that I had never been to before, but experienced several other times after that first one.

A year ago today I knew I was losing my mom...soon. And the days and nights all started running together. School and clients and classes and my kids and the daily stuff of life...and my mom was dying. It was surreal. It still is. And I still feel it very profoundly a year later. But now I have a countdown. I know when it all ends. And it's painful and it feels huge as though my heart may burst when the countdown ends. But I know I survived too. And that's what keeps me going. I know how hard it was this time last year. And I know I survived. This year is an experience. It is part of the grieving process. I need to live it. And I will survive it too.

Today, I am taking my boys to the zoo to enjoy a beautiful Autumn day in the NW. It is an important thing for us to do. It's a necessary distraction. And it will be a good day. And somehow, I feel mom will be with us as I still feel her very nearby. She is close. I know it. I know she is helping me through this 1st anniversary. And although I can't physically hear her tell me she loves me...I feel it. And that gives me some much needed peace.