The countdown continues...

Last year, the 11th was Sunday and it was the last time I saw my mom sitting up. It was an incredibly hard day. I spent the day up at mom and dad's and then had to leave for a client in labor. I was so sure mom was going to die while I was gone, but she hung on for a couple more days. I remember being at that birth and being somewhere else in my head at the same time. Here I am a year later with 2 clients overdue and wondering if I'll be birthing on the anniversary of mom's death instead of making a trip to the cemetery. I've reconciled with either way. If I'm home, we'll go to the cemetery. I haven't been there in much too long and I want mom to have some flowers. But if I am birthing, it is because I am meant to be birthing. I can see mom arranging it that way so as not to make a fuss over her. I really can.

I taught my monthly one day childbirth class on Saturday. I remember teaching the October class last year too and my head being somewhere so far away. This year, I feel like my classes and my clients and my schoolwork are keeping my head busy. But in the few down times, my emotions well up and the feelings from last year take over. I am struggling with concentrating. Right now I should be writing a paper for class, but I'm writing here instead because this is where my head is. As I said before, I feel as though I am in two different worlds. I remember this time last year like it was yesterday. And yet, it feels like a lifetime has passed since then. I keep saying it over and over, but I'm so different from the woman I was a year ago, or a year and a half ago. In two days, I can say I've survived a year on this earth without my mom. It's still shocking. It's still heartbreaking at times. I still miss her a LOT. There are times I still get angry. And right now I can feel those feelings from last year so vividly. But I have survived. I know I will continue to do so. But I know I don't have to like it. And I still don't.

There is an enormous amount of stress in my life right now. My emotions get overwhelming at times. But somehow, I know everything will work out the way it's supposed to. I know that someone is looking out for me, even if I don't fully understand it. I wish I didn't have this countdown in my head, but it's like a ticking clock. Nonetheless, when it stops ticking this year, everything won't go silent like it did a year ago. I won't be rendered numb and lost like I was last year. I will feel what I need to feel and then I will pick myself up and start year two without my mom knowing that I am stronger and wiser than I was when I started year one. And I'll be okay.