Happy Birthday Mom

This year I didn't hunt for the perfect card to tell my mom how much I loved her even though our relationship had it's ups and downs. This year that ritual was very physically absent for me. I have avoided looking at any cards for anything. I haven't wanted to acknowledge that I will never buy another "Happy Birthday Mom" card.

I remember buying her card last year and falling apart because I knew it would be the last one. I remember making her a chocolate cake last year and then getting sick and not getting to spend the day with her. This year, I made the trek north to visit her at the cemetery. Dad and Michael met Olly and I there. I brought her flowers as usual. There were other flowers there...I don't know if someone left them for mom or if they were for Sybil, the woman just below her. I kind of feel like I know Sybil somehow too. I usually say Hi to her every time I visit mom. I know...I'm weird...but she and mom are neighbors. Anyway, not much was said by all of us, but it was good to be there. Dad and Olly and I went out for a nice brunch at Arnie's and then we took dad home and Olly fixed some computer problems he was having.

All in all, it was a good day. And I have survived the trifecta of holidays that I was dreading. My birthday, Mother's Day and mom's birthday. And I'm okay. I'm better. Time is helping. A couple of months ago, I didn't think it was, but getting through these events in one piece has helped.

On a side note, mom and dad's friend, Jim, finally lost his battle with cancer on May 30th. I knew it was coming, but it was still hard to hear. But somehow the idea of mom meeting him at the gates of Heaven and welcoming him in and showing him around made me smile. I know the two of them will laugh a lot together. His service is in 2 weeks. It will be the first memorial service I've been to since mom died. But somehow it's another sign that time has passed. Life (and death) continues.

I am incredibly sad that I will never celebrate another birthday with my mom, but on the way home today, I realized that I should have made that chocolate cake again this year. And I will from here on out for every birthday. She didn't get to enjoy cake for many, many years because of her diabetes. At the end, the cancer took over and she could eat what she wanted. And she never got that cake because I was sick. I'll make it for her every year now and will enjoy it for her. It won't be the same, but it will be in her honor.

Happy Birthday Mom. I love you.