Wow...3 days in one blog post. How boring my life has become. And yet, it doesn't feel like I have any extra time on my hands. How does that work?
After the excitement of my nephew's birth last week, the boys and I all got sick this week. I'm starting to feel better finally. Christopher is on the mend, Jonathan is right in the thick of it. And I can't help but reflect on the timing of it all. I couldn't have had any of us sick for the past 71 days. There just wasn't time. Okay, so we had little things here and there, but nothing that lasted a week. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that once things finally settled down, our body's defense systems came off high alert as well. But we're getting through it, although it's been an incredibly long week.
I haven't talked to mom and dad this afternoon, although talked to them as usual this morning and as of right then, they were still planning on attending Eileen's funeral today. I'm hoping they made it. I'll find out more when I call tonight.
I talked to Hospice yesterday because mom had started saying that she didn't think she needed them anymore. I didn't like the idea of just not having Hospice anymore, so I was curious to hear what Hospice would say themselves. I talked to Ruth, one of mom's nurses, and she said that mom certainly still falls within the boundaries of Hospice care, but that they were more than happy to cut back to just one visit a week. She said she thought it was good for someone to still come and take mom's vitals once a week and I agreed. She also said that this gives my dad the 1-800 hotline to call 24/7 in case they need anything. She said that mom's case would be reviewed at her 3 month mark in July and we could all re-assess things then. As we were hanging up Ruth asked me if she could ask me a question. She mentioned that mom's memory was pretty bad and was wondering if that was normal or more intense since the cancer diagnosis. I told her it was much worse since the cancer and then the chemo. But I was so grateful she mentioned it because so many others seem to be ignoring it. She said that she was definitely keeping an eye on it and would continue to do so. I thanked her for everything and then called and talked to mom about what Ruth had said. She agreed that it made sense to still have someone coming by once a week. And I think dad really would still like that, so I think we're all in agreement for now.
Today I put my college application in the mail. It's time to move forward with that. I mentioned it to mom and dad last night and they were so pleased.
I'm hoping next week to get back to my regular work-out schedule. I'm so very good of taking care of other people, but tend to neglect myself in the process and I'm feeling that neglect lately. I think this cold this week was my body's way of reminding me that in order to take care of everyone else, I have to take care of myself too.
It sounds like I'll likely be birthing this weekend, so hopefully come Monday, we'll all be feeling better and maybe can enjoy some of our lovely weather and I can get in a little self-care too. We'll see how that goes...every week seems to hold something new these days. A little boring, now and then, really isn't so bad.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Day 68: Miracles
So, today the Hospice nurse visited mom. She discussed with mom and dad the idea of only having a nurse visit once a week instead of twice. Mom and dad thought that was more than fine. They told me that she asked them if they believed in miracles because she felt like mom really was one.
And after yesterday's blog...I just don't know what to make of any of this. The cancer couldn't have just gone away, right? That doesn't happen. But then what did happen? What is happening? And why do I feel the need to have answers?
Maybe all the prayers worked. Because boy were a lot of people praying for mom.
But then I wonder what happened to her friend Eileen. Was it just her time and it really wasn't moms? Will I still be blogging years from now about my mom and her miraculous recovery? I would love nothing more.
On another note, I had arranged to rent the hall at mom and dad's church for her birthday. I called to talk to mom about it and she said, "Can we just not do that?" It was vintage mom. She doesn't want a party now. Even a small one. So, I have to respect her wishes. It's just classic of mom...and I guess that's a good thing in a way. But I'm kind of bummed about it. I still don't know that this won't be her last birthday and I just wanted to celebrate the fact that she was still here on THIS birthday when we didn't think she would be. But it's HER birthday and I can't force a celebration upon her...so I'm thinking maybe just a small family gathering up at mom and dad's? I guess I don't really know right now.
So, that's been today. My brain doesn't know what to think anymore. And I just have to keep reminding myself to enjoy this time and not over-think it. But my brain has never worked that way. Still learning lessons I guess...
And after yesterday's blog...I just don't know what to make of any of this. The cancer couldn't have just gone away, right? That doesn't happen. But then what did happen? What is happening? And why do I feel the need to have answers?
Maybe all the prayers worked. Because boy were a lot of people praying for mom.
But then I wonder what happened to her friend Eileen. Was it just her time and it really wasn't moms? Will I still be blogging years from now about my mom and her miraculous recovery? I would love nothing more.
On another note, I had arranged to rent the hall at mom and dad's church for her birthday. I called to talk to mom about it and she said, "Can we just not do that?" It was vintage mom. She doesn't want a party now. Even a small one. So, I have to respect her wishes. It's just classic of mom...and I guess that's a good thing in a way. But I'm kind of bummed about it. I still don't know that this won't be her last birthday and I just wanted to celebrate the fact that she was still here on THIS birthday when we didn't think she would be. But it's HER birthday and I can't force a celebration upon her...so I'm thinking maybe just a small family gathering up at mom and dad's? I guess I don't really know right now.
So, that's been today. My brain doesn't know what to think anymore. And I just have to keep reminding myself to enjoy this time and not over-think it. But my brain has never worked that way. Still learning lessons I guess...
Monday, May 25, 2009
Day 66 & 67: Wasting time in non-productive ways
So, I have a head cold. I hate being sick. But it's really made me think about how much I hate this simple head cold and how sick mom was a little over a month ago and how much I would hate living like that. It makes me understand and respect her decision even more.
But since I haven't had much energy to do anything but lie around...and I hate lying around...I've found myself on the computer today researching cancer.
I have to admit that my brain is really struggling with how well mom is doing. I LOVE that she is well. I LOVE it! And I want it to last. And I wish I could just enjoy it, but I can't help but wonder why she is doing so well. Why hasn't she needed her stomach drained in 4 weeks? Could the little chemo she had have actually helped this much? Or is there more to this? That's the part that's difficult. I want to believe my mom is the miracle. But the other part of me is still on constant guard, waiting for the first phone call when my dad tells me that mom isn't feeling so well.
And I really don't like this part of my personality that just can't accept the way things are. I suppose it's another lesson I need to learn.
I can't find anything that talks about someone becoming THIS good after spending 2 days in the ICU after chemo. What I have found is things like this:
* The overall prognosis of patients with cancer of unknown primary origin with multiple organ involvement and poor performance status is grave; the median survival is only 3-4 months. The 1-year survival rate is less than 15%, with a 5-year survival of 5-10%.
* Median survival ranges from 11 weeks to 11 months. The 5-year overall survival rate is about 11%.
* Ovarian Cancer accounts for only 3% of Cancer of Unknown Primary cases.
None of that sounds good. But what is the point of dwelling on that? Why do I even feel the need to look it all up? I am an answer person. I like having answers. Perhaps I need to learn that there isn't always an answer for everything.
Every day just seems to get better. When I call in the morning and evenings, dad picks up the phone on speaker and I talk to both of them. And they sound good.
And I think I just need to learn to be happy about that.
Maybe it's being sick and in kind of a vulnerable state, but I've just found myself very teary today. Maybe it's just that the tears have finally started to rebuild after all I lost during the time mom was in the hospital. Thankfully, the fluid in mom's stomach hasn't rebuilt itself, and neither it seems, has her cancer. Maybe Eileen's death has hit very close to home (mom and dad sent me her obituary today). Maybe it's just a combination of lots of stuff. I suppose tears aren't bad things...I guess it's just time for more refection.
But I'm working on simply being grateful for where my mom is right now...and letting the need to "why" go away. It's not easy...but I'm working on it.
I kind of forgot that today was a holiday so I will be calling around for birthday locations tomorrow and we'll see what comes out of that. I know we'll find some place. This birthday celebration has to come together so I know the right place is out there. This is a well deserved and much needed celebration so I have no doubts we'll pull it all together in the time we have available.
For now, it's back to lying down for me and practicing the art of letting go...
But since I haven't had much energy to do anything but lie around...and I hate lying around...I've found myself on the computer today researching cancer.
I have to admit that my brain is really struggling with how well mom is doing. I LOVE that she is well. I LOVE it! And I want it to last. And I wish I could just enjoy it, but I can't help but wonder why she is doing so well. Why hasn't she needed her stomach drained in 4 weeks? Could the little chemo she had have actually helped this much? Or is there more to this? That's the part that's difficult. I want to believe my mom is the miracle. But the other part of me is still on constant guard, waiting for the first phone call when my dad tells me that mom isn't feeling so well.
And I really don't like this part of my personality that just can't accept the way things are. I suppose it's another lesson I need to learn.
I can't find anything that talks about someone becoming THIS good after spending 2 days in the ICU after chemo. What I have found is things like this:
* The overall prognosis of patients with cancer of unknown primary origin with multiple organ involvement and poor performance status is grave; the median survival is only 3-4 months. The 1-year survival rate is less than 15%, with a 5-year survival of 5-10%.
* Median survival ranges from 11 weeks to 11 months. The 5-year overall survival rate is about 11%.
* Ovarian Cancer accounts for only 3% of Cancer of Unknown Primary cases.
None of that sounds good. But what is the point of dwelling on that? Why do I even feel the need to look it all up? I am an answer person. I like having answers. Perhaps I need to learn that there isn't always an answer for everything.
Every day just seems to get better. When I call in the morning and evenings, dad picks up the phone on speaker and I talk to both of them. And they sound good.
And I think I just need to learn to be happy about that.
Maybe it's being sick and in kind of a vulnerable state, but I've just found myself very teary today. Maybe it's just that the tears have finally started to rebuild after all I lost during the time mom was in the hospital. Thankfully, the fluid in mom's stomach hasn't rebuilt itself, and neither it seems, has her cancer. Maybe Eileen's death has hit very close to home (mom and dad sent me her obituary today). Maybe it's just a combination of lots of stuff. I suppose tears aren't bad things...I guess it's just time for more refection.
But I'm working on simply being grateful for where my mom is right now...and letting the need to "why" go away. It's not easy...but I'm working on it.
I kind of forgot that today was a holiday so I will be calling around for birthday locations tomorrow and we'll see what comes out of that. I know we'll find some place. This birthday celebration has to come together so I know the right place is out there. This is a well deserved and much needed celebration so I have no doubts we'll pull it all together in the time we have available.
For now, it's back to lying down for me and practicing the art of letting go...
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Day 64 & 65 - Continued improvement
Well, I guess this is more progress...Hospice is cutting back their visits to mom. My plan is to call them on Monday and talk to them again about all of this. I guess I just need the continued reminder that mom does have cancer and things will most likely change again. It's interesting how easily my brain can believe that maybe somehow, miraculously, mom's cancer just went away.
But perhaps the two rounds of chemo that she did actually accomplished something. And it was all that she needed to give her more time. I know it doesn't work that way for everyone. But I'll certainly take what I can get.
Mom's good friend, Eileen, was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer about a month or two before mom got her diagnosis. Eileen attempted chemo, but it just made her sicker (like mom). She decided to stop it at as well, and a week ago, started Hospice care. She died last night at home surrounded by her family.
That's a sad reminder of how blessed we truly are. Eileen was a wonderful woman and it's so sad to me that she is gone. I wish I could figure out a way to get to her funeral on Friday, but I may have to send my wishes from afar.
I saw mom and dad today briefly. I brought my best friend Shannon by for a visit. Mom and dad seem so happy and so comfortable. Shannon said my mom looked so much better than she expected. That's what everyone says. I can't argue with that.
Mom talked to me today about an appointment she has with her hair stylist. She doesn't want to be pre-emptive and thinks that maybe not enough hair has grown back in to do anything with it, but I told her I thought it was a wonderful thing for her to be going in and that her stylist can give her some ideas or, if nothing else, tell her what to expect and when a good time to come back in will be. I love that she is planning ahead for things like this. Again...all really good signs of progress. I just so want it to stay this way!!
I didn't get a chance to call around for birthday locations yesterday. I'm going to start that on Monday, but keep holding Sunday, June 7th on your calendar! I think mom is actually looking forward to celebrating her birthday. And so am I! :-)
But perhaps the two rounds of chemo that she did actually accomplished something. And it was all that she needed to give her more time. I know it doesn't work that way for everyone. But I'll certainly take what I can get.
Mom's good friend, Eileen, was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer about a month or two before mom got her diagnosis. Eileen attempted chemo, but it just made her sicker (like mom). She decided to stop it at as well, and a week ago, started Hospice care. She died last night at home surrounded by her family.
That's a sad reminder of how blessed we truly are. Eileen was a wonderful woman and it's so sad to me that she is gone. I wish I could figure out a way to get to her funeral on Friday, but I may have to send my wishes from afar.
I saw mom and dad today briefly. I brought my best friend Shannon by for a visit. Mom and dad seem so happy and so comfortable. Shannon said my mom looked so much better than she expected. That's what everyone says. I can't argue with that.
Mom talked to me today about an appointment she has with her hair stylist. She doesn't want to be pre-emptive and thinks that maybe not enough hair has grown back in to do anything with it, but I told her I thought it was a wonderful thing for her to be going in and that her stylist can give her some ideas or, if nothing else, tell her what to expect and when a good time to come back in will be. I love that she is planning ahead for things like this. Again...all really good signs of progress. I just so want it to stay this way!!
I didn't get a chance to call around for birthday locations yesterday. I'm going to start that on Monday, but keep holding Sunday, June 7th on your calendar! I think mom is actually looking forward to celebrating her birthday. And so am I! :-)
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Day 62 & 63: New Baby!
My mom met her new grandson today.
It feels like a miracle.
Not only did she meet him, but she rode all the way up to the hospital to make sure she got to hold him just hours after he was born.
We have a new family member. His middle name is mom's maiden name. It was one of those joyous days a family has when it welcomes a new member. I experience it with other families all the time. But today was MY family. And it's always an incredible miracle.
The boys and I had so much fun up in Bellingham. It took me back to all the times mom and dad took Michael and I to a hotel for the weekend just to get out of the house and use the pool. The boys LOVED being at a hotel and they LOVED the pool and we really had a wonderful time together.
And on our drive home today I found myself very emotional. It just all seemed so overwhelming. I was concerned about a funeral and a birth at the same time not that long ago. Today, my mom was able to hold her new grandson and enjoy him. It was amazing and beautiful.
I talked to both mom and dad about a little celebration for her birthday and she is totally on board. So tomorrow, in between laundry, I start figuring where to do this. For those of you reading who would like to come celebrate mom's birthday and her life, I'm planning for Sunday, June 7th. I'll post more when I know more. But I could use all the help I could get. I want it to be simple for everyone...but all the help and suggestions I can get are more than welcome!
I need to get some sleep. Hotels for adults don't have the same allure as they do for children. And I found myself having a difficult time sleeping last night. I'm looking forward to sleeping in my own bed tonight.
But it's been a wonderful couple of days. Spring has sprung, the weather has been beautiful, the days are longer, my mom is here to enjoy them and I became an Aunt for the 2nd time today.
I'm so thankful for it all! :-)
It feels like a miracle.
Not only did she meet him, but she rode all the way up to the hospital to make sure she got to hold him just hours after he was born.
We have a new family member. His middle name is mom's maiden name. It was one of those joyous days a family has when it welcomes a new member. I experience it with other families all the time. But today was MY family. And it's always an incredible miracle.
The boys and I had so much fun up in Bellingham. It took me back to all the times mom and dad took Michael and I to a hotel for the weekend just to get out of the house and use the pool. The boys LOVED being at a hotel and they LOVED the pool and we really had a wonderful time together.
And on our drive home today I found myself very emotional. It just all seemed so overwhelming. I was concerned about a funeral and a birth at the same time not that long ago. Today, my mom was able to hold her new grandson and enjoy him. It was amazing and beautiful.
I talked to both mom and dad about a little celebration for her birthday and she is totally on board. So tomorrow, in between laundry, I start figuring where to do this. For those of you reading who would like to come celebrate mom's birthday and her life, I'm planning for Sunday, June 7th. I'll post more when I know more. But I could use all the help I could get. I want it to be simple for everyone...but all the help and suggestions I can get are more than welcome!
I need to get some sleep. Hotels for adults don't have the same allure as they do for children. And I found myself having a difficult time sleeping last night. I'm looking forward to sleeping in my own bed tonight.
But it's been a wonderful couple of days. Spring has sprung, the weather has been beautiful, the days are longer, my mom is here to enjoy them and I became an Aunt for the 2nd time today.
I'm so thankful for it all! :-)
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Day 61: The up side of hospitals
Tonight I'm preparing for a trip up north to hang out in a hospital again...but this time it will be in Bellingham while we welcome my new nephew into the world. :-)
I probably won't blog for a day or two as I'll be away from my computer.
All I can really say right now is that a month ago, none of us thought mom was going to meet her new grandson. And now she will. And it's an incredible blessing.
I plan to stop by and see mom and dad on my way up to Bellingham. And plan to talk to them about a birthday party for mom. I hope they'll agree. After the past couple of months, our family deserves some celebrating.
A new baby and a birthday we didn't think mom would ever see. Definitely reasons for celebrating!
I probably won't blog for a day or two as I'll be away from my computer.
All I can really say right now is that a month ago, none of us thought mom was going to meet her new grandson. And now she will. And it's an incredible blessing.
I plan to stop by and see mom and dad on my way up to Bellingham. And plan to talk to them about a birthday party for mom. I hope they'll agree. After the past couple of months, our family deserves some celebrating.
A new baby and a birthday we didn't think mom would ever see. Definitely reasons for celebrating!
Monday, May 18, 2009
Day 60: The difference a month can make
Okay, so I already know the difference one day can make. But as I was typing in "Day 60" I decided to see what we were doing 30 days ago. And I was stunned to realize that on Day 30, mom was in the hospital. It's been a month!
At this time on Day 30, I was facing what seemed to be the fact that my mom was quickly dying. She didn't remember things. Sometimes didn't remember me. She was in ICU.
But now, 30 days later, no one could have imagined the improvement in her. I need to remember things like this. No matter what level of despair you are in, there is always hope. And we all tried to keep it when things looked hopeless. And what little glimmer we had kept us going. And here we are today. Mom and dad are living. They are going to the casino. Mom is enjoying food again. They are eating out.
I'd almost call it a miracle, except I know the cancer is still there. But it certainly is a small blessing and a gift of time none of us thought we would have.
It's been quite a rollercoaster two month period. I'm a little apprehensive as we head into month three, but I will continue to be grateful for the time we have and will keep up hope that things will continue to stay the way they are for a long time to come. :-)
At this time on Day 30, I was facing what seemed to be the fact that my mom was quickly dying. She didn't remember things. Sometimes didn't remember me. She was in ICU.
But now, 30 days later, no one could have imagined the improvement in her. I need to remember things like this. No matter what level of despair you are in, there is always hope. And we all tried to keep it when things looked hopeless. And what little glimmer we had kept us going. And here we are today. Mom and dad are living. They are going to the casino. Mom is enjoying food again. They are eating out.
I'd almost call it a miracle, except I know the cancer is still there. But it certainly is a small blessing and a gift of time none of us thought we would have.
It's been quite a rollercoaster two month period. I'm a little apprehensive as we head into month three, but I will continue to be grateful for the time we have and will keep up hope that things will continue to stay the way they are for a long time to come. :-)
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